Joy comes in the morning

There was a song a long time ago that my mom used to listen to when I was a little girl. I have no idea who wrote it, who sings it, or who to credit it to, but it is a summary of where I am right now. It goes something like this.

If you've knelt beside the rubble of an aching broken heart,
And the things you gave you life for fell apart.
You're not the first to be acquainted with sorrow, grief, or pain;
But the Master promised sunshine after rain.
Hold on my child, Joy comes in the morning,
Weeping only lasts for the night.
Hold on my child, joy comes in the morning,
The darkest hour means dawn is just in sight.

The last 4 weeks have been a wild, crazy ride. On June 22nd I got the surprise of my life. I was sitting at home just watching television (Jon and Kate plus 8, if you can believe it) and Kate was talking about the difficultly she had having a baby. She had the same diagnosis that I have gotten from the doctor. It made me mad, and so I decided to show the doctors anything was possible and I got up and took a pregnancy test. It was positive. Now, for most people, oh well, that is no big deal...but for Ryan and I, who have been BEGGING God to have a baby....we were ecstatic. I was so excited, I could not wait for Ryan to get home. I called him at work in the middle of a work meeting. He cried with joy which made me cry even more. That night we rushed out and got a supply of vitamins and orange juice and I said goodbye to my beloved coffee. I do not think we have ever been so happy.

Well, on the 4th of July, everything changed. I started bleeding a little bit that night. I called the doctor and they said not to be concerned unless it was a major amount. Well, to make a long, painful story short, I went to the emergency room on July 8th and we lost the baby. I do not know a time in my life when I have been as sad. I cannot say I am quite to the point that Job was..."The Lord giveth and taketh away...blessed be the name of the Lord." But, by the grace and power of God I know I can get there. I do not know why God chose to give us a baby for about six weeks. I do not know why I made big plans and dreams for him/her when I saw that tiny little heart beating on the ultrasound screen only to have them crushed in an emergency room bed in the middle of the night. I do not know why any of it happened. BUT...this one thing I do know...God is good and his mercy endureth to all generations. Since the miscarriage, Ryan and I have adopted a new verse for our household. We adopted it because we can try to make our lives what we think it should be...but in the long run, it is God who writes the book of our life together. He brought us together and allowed us to be married. He sustains our relationship through the hard times and the joyful times. He is the one who does it all...who are we to question His reasons for taking our little baby to heaven? I can rest in the comfort of knowing that even if I never get to hold a precious little life of my own on this side of heaven, there is a little tiny Withee baby on heaven's shore that I will see one day in eternity and THEN I will understand why. Our new family verse is Jeremiah 29:11..."For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end." I do not know if God will bless us with a baby to have and to hold, but I do know HE has plans for our family because we are HIS children and HIS plans for HIS children are not evil but good...always good.

I do have a request of you dear blog followers...do not give up on me or quit reading. I just needed to get this post out there. I know someday I will want to remember this wilderness that God took me through. The other thing I need from you is prayer as now I begin to pick up the pieces, pay the massive hospital bills, testing bills, and so on. Pray for me that God would help me to learn a valuable truth from this and that HIS love and power will comfort me through this. Keep praying for me...because joy comes in the morning.