I have never been much good at math. I cried my way through algebra in high school and had a tutor for geometry. It's never been my strong suit. But some numbers in my life are unforgettable, even if the math does not add up. One in four...I have been the one in four 3 out of 4 times. I am not sure how that math works out but none the less, those are my numbers.
October is infant and pregnancy loss awareness month. I have four children but people only see one. I know all four of them in my heart but I only know one by sight...my miracle and my rainbow baby, Joel! The reason why this month matters in my mind is because it is high time we moms are allowed to talk openly about these babies that went from us to heaven with no layover here on earth. It's too hard to keep those conversations inside and only think of those babies when no one else is around, cry when no one is looking, or comfort a new mom that joined this unfortunate club when no one will know what we are saying.
Joel is what people call a rainbow baby. I have never really called him that. The rainbow was God's promise that He would never again destroy the whole earth by flood. God didn't promise that nothing hard would ever happen to Noah again. BUT I have to think that whenever Noah saw that rainbow, he knew God would keep His word and that He could be trusted. When I look at Joel, I don't tell myself "well, we will never experience that kind of pain again because now we have our rainbow." Wrong! In fact, we miscarried almost a year after Joel. When I look at Joel, I can't help but smile and think of the deep, dark valley that God walked us through and once we reached the other side, we were not immune from grief but rather ready to face it and more ready to embrace joy. We have daily joys with Joel that I think is multiplied by four due to all we have lost. We take four times the pictures, read four times the bed time stories, watch four times the Winnie the Pooh, and steal four times the kisses.
I don't know why a statistic like one in four has to exist except the curse of sin. Until I felt that pain of pregnancy and miscarriage and stillbirth, I didn't really understand grief fully (and I am not saying I have it under control by any means...I STILL have hard days). The first days after a loss, grief was literally like an elephant sitting on my chest. I felt like I could not breathe. I could hardly say my babies names let alone hold a conversation about them without a breakdown. As time progresses, it becomes more like an unpleasant guest that rings the doorbell just when you are your most relaxed. It never strikes when you think it will. It comes and goes and comes and goes. Sometimes I can utter their names or talk about them with little to no emotion and other times my voice quakes a little. I sometimes feel regret, even today, that sweet baby number one and baby number four never got names because they left us so early (8 weeks and 7 weeks) but Hannah did. Grief is like that, isn't it?? Sometimes I wonder, once they arrived Home, if Jesus didn't welcome them and they instantly knew their name (the name He chose). I can only imagine that any name Jesus chose for them had to be infinitely more perfect than what I would have chosen had God seen fit to let them stay with us.
Why do I tell you this? Why should you care? Because we walk among you. If we are one in four, then chances are you know a woman who is grieving during this month. She maybe told NO ONE else but her husband and they struggle along, alone, afraid that people will not understand why they grieve. I am not implying that this should be your first question when making a new friend. I am just pleading for us to exercise kindness and patience with those who mourn.
As for me and my house and the story that is our life, God has written these chapters for us and He has figured out the statistics on our family. The most wonderful part...He knows the final numbers. We have prayed for an increase but only He knows how and when that will happen. He has placed new burdens on our heart, especially as it relates to adoption. So for now, the little earthly family
Of three is simply that...three. In the heavenly family photo album...we are six (and perhaps even more). I cannot wait to see that picture as a whole one day!
