Just Holding On...AND letting go

It all started in April. In April we listed our home of 8 years. My whole family came down from Tallahassee and we painted every wall and ceiling in my house. We replaced flooring, cleared out the backyard, changed light bulbs, staged the house, and landscaped. Within two weeks of listing, we had an offer. Naturally, because we have the best luck in the world, we got the world's most finicky buyers. So, then we had to begin the second round of "fixing, spending, repairing" to meet the buyers newest demands. Sooner than I was ready, however, we were signing final papers and driving away for the last time from the only place that our son had known as "home." I remembered so many things about that house. It was that house that had been supernaturally provided when we needed it most. It was that house that tested us in every single way with repairs, fun plumbing "events" that I cannot elaborate on for fear of laughing so hard and making my husband look over at me like I have lost my mind (none of those events were funny at the time), some remodeling, and tearing out a pool by ourselves (and nearly killing each other in the process). It was that house that Joel first came home to, took his first steps, talked, laughed, and rode a bike. Nevertheless, opportunity was calling. Ryan's job was on the brink of a big, big change and we knew owning a home would not be part of the immediate future. So, we dried our tears and settled into our VERY TEMPORARY (we were sure of that) one bedroom apartment. Ryan geared up for the biggest interview of his life. We were sure this was it. This was what we had been waiting for for such a long time. We took some of the profits from the sale of the house and paid off every single debt we could think of. It felt so good to have no credit card debt. It took quite a bit of the profits, but we felt unburdened and free (and a little more broke). Ryan flew up for the interview and Joel and I waited at home with baited breath, praying all the way along. Meanwhile, the morning of Ryan's interview, I felt super sick. It wasn't just nerves either. Having been pregnant now six times, I knew exactly what the "feeling" was. I took a test and literally said, out loud, right there...."You have GOT to be kidding me." And then I laughed. Only the Withee Crew would sign a one year lease and five days later discover they are pregnant. I couldn't tell Ryan....this was the BIG interview. I couldn't distract him. I would have to sit on this news for a whole day till his interview was over. So, we waited. I called Ryan when I felt his interview was over and let him in on the news. We were happy...scared to death...but happy. We have been through this so many times, it takes time for the real joy to take over because the fear of loss is always right there at the back of our minds. Then, life got interesting. Not only did Ryan get a "no" on his big interview (which was devastating to all of us) but he got a "no" at his current job at the time, only four days later. It was a really rough couple of days. It was really hard to watch the man you love so very much feel so low. However, God was at work, even in the rough stuff. He had a new job all lined up within a week of all this difficulty. Ryan was so thankful and was excited once again and ready to go. He has always been more resilient than me. His new job is in Palm Harbor (for my far away readers, that is a good 45 minute drive from our little apartment). Meanwhile, we get the news that this new baby is a girl and a whole bunch of new emotions came rushing in. We had gender cupcakes made because we never did a gender reveal any of the other pregnancies, including Joel, so we decided to go for it this time. When Joel bit into that cupcake and it was pink...it was the strangest combination of joy and fear all at once. I had a dear friend who was the only person (outside of my family) brave enough to broach the question no one wanted to ask. "How are you doing emotionally knowing it is a girl. Does it remind you a lot of Hannah?" It meant so much for her to validate what I was feeling. How on earth was I going to register for girl gifts again? How was I going to get through a girl baby shower? How was I going to get ready for this baby when I had already done it once before? I was honest with her and with myself finally. "It's been hard", was about all I could say. Every ultrasound is part thrill of joy and part agony. It is for that reason that her middle name for sure will be Joy. She has been a complete surprise, a complete joy, a complete unexpected blessing in a time of intense emotional upheaval. She is that good and perfect gift that comes from the Father. As this pregnancy progressed, we realized that we really might be bringing home a fourth person to this 800 square feet of crazy apartment. Additionally, we never wanted Ryan to be far from his work (since he is the one who could be "called into work" and I have more set hours). So, even though we vowed never to own a home again, we set to work to buy a home....AGAIN. We looked at houses all over the county, dragging our poor realtor all over the place at all hours of the day. We saw nice houses and money pits, we saw cute backyards and jungles. We saw horrifying color schemes, stinky house smells, and scary neighborhoods. We saw "the perfect" house more than once. We put offer after offer out there only to be "scooped" by a better offer. We were starting to wonder it the right place was out there. Then, finally, we found the right place, for the right price, in the right location. We put an offer out there again...and finally someone chose us (over four other offers, I might add...which gave us a little peace that maybe this was the place God intended for us). Now comes the wait. In typical "Amy" style, the wait has me terrified. The fear overcomes me. How are we going to get together a down payment so fast? What if the seller changes their mind? What if we don't close on time? What if I have to go on bed rest with this baby like I did with Joel? How am I going to move and set up house-keeping while I am 8 months pregnant? How are we going to get all the stuff we need for this baby (we gave away every single baby thing we owned when we downsized to this apartment). But, I have to remember...in all the years we have been married, we have never done without and gone hungry. In fact, in all the years of being alive, I have never been in such a serious situation that I couldn't see how God was working it out in my family. We have had some "lean times", but we have never been homeless or hungry. Today, Ryan was driving home from work and coming off of Highway 19 (which is a harrowing experience any day of the week in my opinion anyways) and could not avoid some road debris. It ripped up the bottom of his car. So, I got the text: "I am having a problem with my car and am sitting at Perkins waiting for a tow truck. Can you come get me?" So, I drove to Perkins to find him. The tow hadn't arrived by the time I got there, so I took a seat across from him in a booth and had a mammoth muffin (I had my glucose test this morning, so hopefully I passed or that muffin was probably a bad choice). I shared with him my fears, especially now that we will have a very large car repair to pay for while also saving for the down payment on this new home. Suddenly, we found ourselves reliving some of the "tougher" things we had been through. Ryan reminded me of the summer after we had been married for a year when our landlord decided to sell his condo and we could either buy it for WAY more than we had or move. So, we had to chose to move. The down side is we had no place to move to. A coworker of mine was going "home" for the summer and let us live in his little RV (less than 400 square feet). So, we did. We spent two months in that tiny space (and caught H1N1 flu at the same time). BUT, we had a place to live, and summer jobs, and made it work. I should say, God made it work. We laughed till we cried remembering when we had the plumbing debacle of 2012 and Ryan found himself in our front yard, waist deep in unmentionable horror, replacing old plumbing pipe with a saint of a church member who came to save the day. We cried remembering how Ryan took a small hatchet and "dismantled" the above ground pool and had me help haul it out, piece by piece, to the front yard (I KNOW the neighbors thought we were getting divorced for sure...there was lots of "elevated stress levels" that night). We survived all that...maybe, just maybe, we can survive all this crazy we now find ourselves in. The waitress took pity on us and brought over a slice of pumpkin pie to go (on the house, probably because we looked so pitiful) and the tow truck came at long last. We went back to school, drove home, and collapsed on the couches in exhaustion. Even now, as I sit and write this and baby girl kicks and wiggles and moves non-stop (all the while the heartburn is wrecking my throat and stomach forever), I am reminded that I just don't know what surprises are around the next corner. I know WHO knows, and HE has never left me alone in my worry and fear. In fact, He invites me to give that over to Him. I am not sure why I love to hold onto it the way I do. I am not saying tomorrow I will be carefree and worry-free...but I am going to try. He knows what's coming next, and that is good because I could never have written this chapter of our story. I don't know if anyone would believe it if I wrote it all down. Well, you tell me...You've been reading it, can you believe it? No? Me either...but this is our life. It is crazy, wild, scary, amazing, exhilarating, never-boring life.