I just finished a load of bottles. I have cleaned out the wet outfits from the diaper bag. I am listening intently for the sounds of a sleeping bundle waking up from his nighttime nap. We prayed. We prayed some more. We wept before the Lord and laid this biggest of life's desires before the Lord. Then, I gave up hope. I watched as others had babies and I still had empty arms. Then, when I was faithless....HE was faithful. The fact that baby Joel is in our life is a testament to God's almighty power and grace. I had all but abandoned hope. I am writing this post now for those people who are currently where I was. Do not give up hope. Each time I look at Joel's face, I am reminded that our God can do what man deems impossible. After Hannah went to be with Jesus, I needed answers. Rather than just trusting the Lord to give us a baby in His time, I started down two roads. I went to a infertility specialists and I also began researching adoption and the costs involved (we still plan to adopt because we both have a burden to do so....we just lack to funds). Anyway, I remember the infertility doctor telling me he had no real answers for me except that in the future if we did get pregnant, the boy babies would probably never live to full term. So, you can imagine my panic when we learned Joel was a boy. My worry level went up even higher. I was so afraid to even enjoy my pregnancy. I avoided buying maternity clothes...because I had been down that road before and it ended sadly. I was even afraid to have a baby shower for fear that this baby would never arrive. But he did. He is here....and he is a perfect little baby. God has blessed me above all that I could ask or think. I do not know why God had me walk down in that dark valley of loss for the last two and a half years. I do not know why....and I may never know why on this side of heaven. But, I do know that Joel is so special to me. I take nothing about his little life for granted. Each mess he makes, each midnight feeding, each gassy smile (I call them real smiles even though I know my pediatrician would tell me differently)....they are all special and I cherish them. It was such a long road to arrive at this joy and I am going to savor the few precious moments I have with him each day. So, for those of you still waiting....still walking that lonely road....hang in there. Our God has not forgotten you. After Hannah went to heaven, the enemy tried to convince me that God had forgotten about me. Then, one day, I found this verse and it helped me so very much. Isaiah 49:14-16 talks about a group of people who thought God had forgotten them. God turns around and says that just like a nursing mother could not forget her baby...God will not forget us. He says that we are inscribed on the palms of His hands. Trust him, dear friend, trust Him. I spent so much time of my pregnancy with Joel being afraid...and I missed out on much of the joy of pregnancy. I spend the first few days of Joel's life being afraid...and I missed precious moments. Even now, as I completed my first day back at work, I spend the whole weekend before I started work crying...afraid he would forget me while he is at daycare. Silly me. If God can take this woman, who doctors had pretty much written off, and give her a baby...I think He can help my baby remember who I am at the end of a workday. I do not know how God will work out your circumstances, dear reading friend....but He will. The Lord gives and He takes away...and our lives do not really belong to us (neither do our children). Trust....keep trusting Him. Even when there are no answers. I am starting right now into the big blue eyes of my answer to prayer. God can do the same for you. He will do it in HIS time and in HIS way and it will be AMAZING. I ask you to pray for me that I will have a good attitude as I work away from my miracle baby each day. Pray that God will multiply my time to be all I need to be (mommy, wife, teacher, church worker, and friend). I will try to update the blog if and when I get down time. So, in other words, see you at Christmas Break. :)
