My baby is one

No one told me that I would get choked up when I heard the Happy Birthday song at his party. Thankfully I was so busy keeping him from touching the flame on his candle that I did not have time to cry. I had no idea when that screaming bundle got handed to me a year ago that my identity would change forever. I became "Joel's mommy." Its not so much that I stopped being Amy, because I am. But, adding that little 7 lbs 13 oz baby to my life pushed me into a new place. He has caused me to think about my relationship with God and caused me to reflect and examine my faith. I can remember the day Joel was born like it was only yesterday (in many ways it feels like it was only yesterday). I had them induce me because of my past history I was very fearful of waiting till his due date. Finally my doctor consented and I went in on a Saturday night. They gave me some pills to help me get my last good sleep of the night and gave me some meds to "get things started so tomorrow they could start the labor induction" with the assurance that 99% of women get a good nights rest and labor does not begin naturally at all for them. I was the 1%. I labored through the night and finally, at about 6 am the next morning I was able to get an epidural (could have kissed that doctor right there, let me tell you). Then, things became a blur because the next thing I knew, after only about 45 minutes of pushing, Joel was born at 9:41 on Sunday, July 21! I was so thankful that he was born, and healthy and all ours!!! This post from my dad on that day is one of my favorites.

This little boy is a gift that I will never, ever deserve. He has made us so happy and has given us countless hours of entertainment. Every day there is something new and exciting that he discovers. I think about all the years of my life that I have wasted spending it on me, on pointless endeavors. Its funny, when we chose Joel's name, we based it off of the verse in Joel that talks about God redeeming the years the locusts had eaten. I feel like God is doing that in our life. We waited and waited for this little guy and he could not be a bigger blessing. In the years to come we are praying that we will be able to shape this little boy into the man God would have him to be. He are excited to watch him learn to talk and sing and run and play. I cannot wait for him to show me what he learned in school. I did cry the night he turned one because he really is not a baby any more in the truest sense of the word. He rarely needs me to cuddle him, he mostly feeds himself, and he likes me be on the move ALL THE TIME. But, I will hold on to those last little moments of babyhood as long as I can. He is a gift and we love him so much. Happy birthday, Joel Andrew!!!

Happy

May 11th, 2014, A red carnation and a simple greeting. That's all it took. I stood on the dock holding that single carnation and I cried. I did not boo hoo or weep hysterically, but there were tears. They were the happiest tears on earth shed at the happiest place on earth. I had spent Mother's Day, with MY SON and husband at the Magic Kingdom. Never, ever over the course of the deep dark valley I had walked to motherhood did I ever think I would get there. On the way out of the park, an employee noticed us and handed me that single carnation and said, "Happy Mother's Day"...and for the first time since this journey to being a mommy began, it did not make me sad or cause me to cringe or make me feel like I needed to explain that I was a mommy but that none of my babies were here. No, all I did was smile, look at my miracle and say, "Thank you!" So, as we awaited the ferry boat to take us back to normal life and normal routines, I clutched that carnation in my hand and grabbed a baby wipe (cause I am a mommy now so I have them in my purse, in the stroller, and emergency stash in the car, and some in the diaper bag) to wipe up my face. In the stroller basket was that personalized Christmas ornament from the Disney Christmas store that I NEVER thought I would be able to buy. In the shopping bag was a Mickey Mouse toy, which I thought I would only ever buy for someone else's child (and always swore I would never buy for my own child anyway because eventually the stuffed animals have their own bedroom and your house is overflowing with them...but I don't even care...my baby is not even a year and I am pretty sure he has about 20 already). Since God sent us Joel and made me a mommy, there have been a couple of moments where I was just flooded with straight up thankfulness, joy, and happiness...and this was one of them. I did not care that we only rode a couple rides or that he had fallen asleep BOTH times we were getting ready to meet characters and take pictures. I did not care that I will be singing "It's a small world" for the next weeks...because that was his favorite. I did not care that I had take out delivered to our hotel room both nights so that way Joel could stay on his bedtime routine and not get over tired (mommy is also on a bedtime routine called "as soon as the baby crashes, so do I"). None of it mattered. It was Mother's Day. I am a mother. I am happy. And yes, I cannot wait to take Joel back there again!!!

What I See

Dear Joel, You are so special to us. Yesterday, we were diving home and I looked back at the mirror above your car seat and I saw your cute little chubby face. You smiled. I melted. When I look at you...this is what I see 1. You are the embodiment of answered prayer. For you we prayed, cried, anticipated, planned and dreamed. Sometimes I cannot believe you are here and that you have been entrusted to us. 2. You are a picture of God's grace in times of trial. When your sister went to be with Jesus, it really felt like I would never be whole again. Then, God made you. It showed me, once again, the goodness of the Lord to us. 3. You are the stealer of sleep and I am ok with that because I know it will not last forever 4. You are the smile-maker...even on the hardest days you make me smile 5. You are mommy and daddy's special treasure and you will always be our sweet boy. Every day in new ways I am thankful to be your mommy. In the spit up, dirty diapers, extra laundry and bottle dishes...there is joy because of YOU. I want to write this down now because there is a chance (with the new "no sleeping policy" you have instituted in our house) that Mommy will forget exactly how we feel today. XOXO--Mommy Just some pictures of my sweet boy being himself....SWEET

Entrusted

Recent events have caused me to pause and reflect. First, I am thankful. Just oh so thankful. I am thankful for the life I have. I am thankful for my husband who works harder than any man I have ever, ever met so he can provide for us. I am thankful for my beautiful son, so long awaited!!! I am thankful for my job AND for the fact that my sweet little boy is only a building away from me during my day. But there is that word again..."My". I have been thinking (dangerous, considering my little man has not allowed me to get a full night of sleep since he was 3 months old...ha ha). None of this that I am blessed with is actually mine. It is all HIS. I have been entrusted. The realization of that is huge for me. HE has the right to ask me to be entrusted with something...but HE also chooses for how long. With our first two babies, I was entrusted for a shorter period of time than I would have liked...but HE knew something I did not know. I just want to be a trustworthy steward of these things that God has entrusted me with. I want to hear Him say, "You did so well, my child. I gave you some hard tasks and you completed each one just as I wanted you to." Learning this is helping me to walk through hard things...because life has hard things. But, it has also given me joy. Joy in knowing I do not have to stress. I can rest in knowing that HE has a time table. He is good...always good. ON a lighter note....here is my adorable almost 7 month blessing

Sometimes it takes a journey

When you work at a small Christian school, you are often asked to wear many hats. One of the hats I get this year is the duty of crosswalk. Believe it or not, it has been the most pleasant experience (as far as extra duties go) that I have ever had. Its fun to me to watch the little preschoolers skip their way across the pathway to their class because they are so excited to see their friends and play outside. I love seeing my high school students that I don't get to have in class this year and catch up with them for a moment or two. But most of all, I love the little conversations I get to overhear. Yesterday, I was standing there when a young dad walked towards me with his two young children. I did not hear the whole conversation, but one of the little ones asked the dad a question that apparently he did not know the answer to. His response has stuck with me ever since. "Wow, honey, I do not know the answer to that. But you know what, we will go home and do some searching and we will find the answer." Here comes the best part...."You know, sometimes you have to take a little journey to find the answer." I love that. Right there, in the parking lot, on the way to school, this dad was parenting...imparting life lessons. He was being intentional. Sometimes we get so caught up in life's business and we forget that everyday there are opportunities to teach wisdom. We just have to look for them. Sometimes I worry (shocker, I know). Sometimes I worry that I am doing this parenting thing all wrong. Did I feed him the wrong baby food? Should I have let him go to school with that runny nose? How much spit up is too much? (yes, I have googled that...don't laugh...when you become a parent you will google it too). I need not worry. I need to be intentional. When I am singing my little man to sleep, choose a hymn. When I am reading him a story...make it one with a lesson. When I am rocking him at night, take a moment and pray over him. Lack of time should not mean lack of purposeful parenting. On a lighter note....I wanted to blog some cute things about little man before I forget. His latest nicknames list 1. Joely Poley 2. Joelie Olie Olie Oh 3. Joely man 4. Joely pants 5. Joely Bear 6. Joelius Polius (his teachers call him this and it is so cute) Things Joel does that are too cute for words 1. Sucks in his bottom lip...oh my...so adorable 2. Eats pears and prune (prunes are a no go...hates them. Pears however are the magic poop-inducing food). 3. Rolls everywhere 4. Reaches out to touch your face when you talk to him (melts me like butter) 5. Splashes in the tub 6. Open mouth kisses you on the cheek 7. Eats his toes 8. Smiles when I pick him up at school (oh my...best thing ever). 9, Sleeps in his big boy bed (most times without yelling...but not always :) 10. Is the sweetest little blessing of my life!!! Until we meet again!! XOXO, Amy

A long road

I just finished a load of bottles. I have cleaned out the wet outfits from the diaper bag. I am listening intently for the sounds of a sleeping bundle waking up from his nighttime nap. We prayed. We prayed some more. We wept before the Lord and laid this biggest of life's desires before the Lord. Then, I gave up hope. I watched as others had babies and I still had empty arms. Then, when I was faithless....HE was faithful. The fact that baby Joel is in our life is a testament to God's almighty power and grace. I had all but abandoned hope. I am writing this post now for those people who are currently where I was. Do not give up hope. Each time I look at Joel's face, I am reminded that our God can do what man deems impossible. After Hannah went to be with Jesus, I needed answers. Rather than just trusting the Lord to give us a baby in His time, I started down two roads. I went to a infertility specialists and I also began researching adoption and the costs involved (we still plan to adopt because we both have a burden to do so....we just lack to funds). Anyway, I remember the infertility doctor telling me he had no real answers for me except that in the future if we did get pregnant, the boy babies would probably never live to full term. So, you can imagine my panic when we learned Joel was a boy. My worry level went up even higher. I was so afraid to even enjoy my pregnancy. I avoided buying maternity clothes...because I had been down that road before and it ended sadly. I was even afraid to have a baby shower for fear that this baby would never arrive. But he did. He is here....and he is a perfect little baby. God has blessed me above all that I could ask or think. I do not know why God had me walk down in that dark valley of loss for the last two and a half years. I do not know why....and I may never know why on this side of heaven. But, I do know that Joel is so special to me. I take nothing about his little life for granted. Each mess he makes, each midnight feeding, each gassy smile (I call them real smiles even though I know my pediatrician would tell me differently)....they are all special and I cherish them. It was such a long road to arrive at this joy and I am going to savor the few precious moments I have with him each day. So, for those of you still waiting....still walking that lonely road....hang in there. Our God has not forgotten you. After Hannah went to heaven, the enemy tried to convince me that God had forgotten about me. Then, one day, I found this verse and it helped me so very much. Isaiah 49:14-16 talks about a group of people who thought God had forgotten them. God turns around and says that just like a nursing mother could not forget her baby...God will not forget us. He says that we are inscribed on the palms of His hands. Trust him, dear friend, trust Him. I spent so much time of my pregnancy with Joel being afraid...and I missed out on much of the joy of pregnancy. I spend the first few days of Joel's life being afraid...and I missed precious moments. Even now, as I completed my first day back at work, I spend the whole weekend before I started work crying...afraid he would forget me while he is at daycare. Silly me. If God can take this woman, who doctors had pretty much written off, and give her a baby...I think He can help my baby remember who I am at the end of a workday. I do not know how God will work out your circumstances, dear reading friend....but He will. The Lord gives and He takes away...and our lives do not really belong to us (neither do our children). Trust....keep trusting Him. Even when there are no answers. I am starting right now into the big blue eyes of my answer to prayer. God can do the same for you. He will do it in HIS time and in HIS way and it will be AMAZING. I ask you to pray for me that I will have a good attitude as I work away from my miracle baby each day. Pray that God will multiply my time to be all I need to be (mommy, wife, teacher, church worker, and friend). I will try to update the blog if and when I get down time. So, in other words, see you at Christmas Break. :)

You Make Me Wanna Be Brave

I was sitting in church on Sunday and my ADD kicked in during the song service and I kind of started looking around at my church family around me. Now, in the least creepy way possible, I would say that I was "watching" those around me. Listen, some of you ladies are an inspiration to me. You make me wanna be brave. Some of you have battled through cancer, family tradedy, loss of a child, loss of a husband, difficult battles with raising your families, struggles of all kinds. It is not just the women that I could see, right now I can think of at least a dozen or more women who just LOVE JESUS and in spite of the valleys that HE has walked you through, you are still in Love with the Lord and are a testament to those around you. Please know this, you are impacting eternity...you have impacted me in ways you will never know. On those days when I am down and wonder "Why did you call me to this struggle Lord?" "What are you asking of me?" "What is this working 'for good' in my life?" AND THEN, I look around me once more and I see what the Lord has made of your lives. Some of you lead dozens of women in Bible Study, in godly council, as leaders of youth and children, as mommies of families who are learning to love the Lord...and I think to myself "What if God is helping me become like THAT lady?" I am hoping that someday the Lord will permit me to BE brave rather than just pretending to be. Thank you ladies for shining before me as an example of what I SHOULD be.