You Make Me Wanna Be Brave

I was sitting in church on Sunday and my ADD kicked in during the song service and I kind of started looking around at my church family around me. Now, in the least creepy way possible, I would say that I was "watching" those around me. Listen, some of you ladies are an inspiration to me. You make me wanna be brave. Some of you have battled through cancer, family tradedy, loss of a child, loss of a husband, difficult battles with raising your families, struggles of all kinds. It is not just the women that I could see, right now I can think of at least a dozen or more women who just LOVE JESUS and in spite of the valleys that HE has walked you through, you are still in Love with the Lord and are a testament to those around you. Please know this, you are impacting eternity...you have impacted me in ways you will never know. On those days when I am down and wonder "Why did you call me to this struggle Lord?" "What are you asking of me?" "What is this working 'for good' in my life?" AND THEN, I look around me once more and I see what the Lord has made of your lives. Some of you lead dozens of women in Bible Study, in godly council, as leaders of youth and children, as mommies of families who are learning to love the Lord...and I think to myself "What if God is helping me become like THAT lady?" I am hoping that someday the Lord will permit me to BE brave rather than just pretending to be. Thank you ladies for shining before me as an example of what I SHOULD be.

New Kid on the Block

It has been four long years since I have been the "new kid" at school. I was at my previous school for four years and prior to that I had spent 3 wonderful years at Clearwater Christian College. So, being the "new kid" was a forgotten experience for me. I remembered again how much I dislike being "new." Here are some of "little" things I learned about being new... 1. Doors sometimes "magically" lock behind you...take your keys 2. The copier may LOOK like your old one...but all the buttons are different and the copier KNOWS you are new and tries to make a monkey out of you. 3. Every staff fridge has the same stuff in it...not sure how...but they all do. As I got dressed for that first day at my new job...I found my mind racing. I KNEW beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was doing the right thing. I KNEW God had directed my path here through circumstances I can now only begin to appreciate on this side of them (and I still do not know fully how God orchestrated the whole thing). Yet, at the same time, I had butterflies like never before. Would the kids like me? Would I be able to meet all those different learning needs in one classroom at one time? Would they be excited to learn? What problems would we face? Would my management plan work out ok? Would I be able to handle THREE new preps? Then I started my first day. I met wonderful co-workers who were people who loved the Lord and wanted to serve Him with their lives. I met students who were excited to love Jesus openly. I knew it would all be ok. I stood firm in the fact that I KNEW God had moved me to this place. I do not know what He is going to do with me there, but I do know this...I want to be a part of whatever that is. I got to the end of my very first day with no major hick-ups at all...except for some ants who made my coffee creamer their new home. We start week two next week and I am excited (don't get me wrong, I plan to ENJOY my saturday off) but I am eagar to see how my kids do on their first tests and quizzes. Not sure how blogging is going to fit into my next couple of months. We are busier than ever as a couple these days. Last time I wrote I mentioned my new petition that I was bringing to the Lord...challenging myself to seek the Lord daily about HIS plans for our family/children. I cannot tell you that I have an answer yet but I do have peace that HE will meet that desire in His way and in His timing. I have begun the process of investigating foster adoption. Emotionally, I am not sure if I am ready to do that YET, but I am burdened for those kids. They are the "least of these" let me tell you. If you think of us, pray for us. We are healing better than I ever thought we would. Had you told me a year ago that I would be pregnant twice in a calendar year and not have any babies to show for it by the end, I would have told you that I would never be able to make it through emotions like that. I will not deny that I am a different person because of it. Heaven seems much sweeter to me. Tears come easier and joys are so happy they are almost tangible. I find myself not sweating the "small stuff" like I used to. The Lord is my Shepherd and I am realizing what that means in a whole new way. He is leading me to green pastures and still waters and He is restoring my soul. Unless you know Him and have allowed Him to walk you through the valley, you will not understand what I am talking about. Keep praying...I know the Lord is working because I have already seen it.

Why I HAVE to keep on...

The last couple of days I have been in the car a lot. Ryan's battery died and so I have been the taxi service for him this past week. So, needless to say, I have a lot of time in the car and there is NOTHING on the radio but pointless stupid music and not much else. However, I did find a talk-radio station that usually has pretty conservative views on the events of the day. Two days ago, I was so angry (and I forget that no matter how many times I yell at the people on the radio, they cannot hear me, nor will I change their minds...but nonetheless, I yell all the same). There was a lady on the radio saying that she lives in a fairly conservative state and so she really does not see a need to vote because the candidate she wants to win is going to win anyways, so why bother? I wanted to reach through the radio and shake her. Does she really have no idea of the price that has been paid so that she can vote? Can we really have done THAT poor of a job in the educational system as to have cheated her out of the rich heritage this country has? Just when I was about to say, "No more, I cannot listen any more," Suddenly I heard a young voice on the radio. The radio host was just as surprised. The boy, I'll call him "Chase", admitted that he was only 12 but he felt he needed to call in. He said, "I have an example of how people are trying to brainwash us at school." He had my attention at that point. "We had a guy come to our school and tell us how evil coal was and how the people who own the coal mines are evil people who basically treat their workers like slaves or servants." The little guy was so articulate and clear with what he was thinking and hearing. This is my point....I get really tired of people writing off America and the next generation. I think the next generation is full of potential and promise. I am not denying that they have a choice to really MESS up America...but where did they learn some of that from, huh? But, another thing to consider is that those middle schoolers and high school students have opinions and minds that are sharp and quick...they are capable of thinking those big thoughts that I think sometimes we underestimate. The key to this is, who is helping them form those opinions and attitudes about life and faith and country? Is it MTV? Is it the mainstream media? Is it their enviromentalist teacher? Who is it? Have you surrounded those precious young minds with great Christian leaders and writers? Are they sitting under a pastor who will ground them in the word of God? You may say, "Well you have no idea how hard it is, you are not a parent." I would give my left arm to be a parent, believe me, even the parent of a teenager. However, I have spent enough of my short life so far pouring myself into their lives and investing in them that I know how important role models and CORRECT information is in their hands. I have watched many students blossom into very politically involved young persons after they were TOLD about their rich heritage and the costly price for their freedoms and rights. As long as I have breath and am able to teach teenagers, I am going to share with them the history of our great nation. We may be struggling, many on our shores may have turned their backs to God, but I do not want to think that America is gone for good. As long as God is on the throne, and HE IS, then we have reason to hope.

When the Brook Dried Up

The water was gone. Not just gone...bare, bones dry. In fact, if he knelt down, he could touch the cracks in the old brook bed. Why? He had obeyed...he had been faithful. In fact, he had not hesitated. The Lord had said, "Go hide" and he had gone...no questions asked. So, he had done the right thing. Why was the water gone? Then, the Lord came again. Only these instructions made less sense than the first, and still he obeyed. God said, "Go to Zarephath." And what awaited him there? Just a widow and her son...who were worse off than he was, if that was possible. But, again, he did not fuss or fume or even question. The record shows he simply walked the long road to Zarephath and found the widow. If he felt down and out, this woman was in a worse position...preparing literally her last meal. Imagine that image that he stumbled upon. Doubtless this woman had cried tears until there were no tears left...but the raw emotion was still there in the absense of the tears. Her son (as far as I can tell her only living relative?) was getting ready to eat his final meal and then begin the horrible process of slowly starving and thirsting to death. "Oh Lord, this will not be easy," the dusty prophet must have thought to himself. Nevertheless, he approached the woman with the authority that only comes from ABOVE and requested some water. A steep request in a severe drought such as this...but she began to walk away. Then, he called after her..."Oh yes, and a little bit of food if you have it." That's when the mama bear in her came out. "As your God lives," she cried in outrage..."I only have a little bit of flour and oil left to my name." And here comes the awesome power of God once again. The prophet tells her to make it anyways and bring it to him. "God will not let those provisions run out," he explains and she believes him and she does it. Faith and trust are under construction at the brooks and widows houses of our own lives. We may not like it...we may not understand it...but neither (probably) did this prophet at the time that it was happening to him. Talk about trust. This man trusted God in his most basic human need...food and water. And God brought it to him. Now, the Bible does not go into major detail but I imagine he must have been at the brook for a while because it would have taken at least a couple days for the brook to dry up. I KNOW in my heart of hearts that there must have been at least a moment or two where Elijah said to himself, "Did I mishear what the Lord asked of me?" "Am I doing something wrong?" "Why had HE not given me my next directive?" And then, when God does tell this prophet to move on...where does he end up? In a worse (humanly speaking) situation than before in some ways. Now, he finds himself dependent on a widow, who in Bible times had a rough time just providing for herself. I know if I had been him I might have just died of fear just thinking of asking this lady for the food that was in short supply. But, you know what I am holding out for? The ending. You see, if you keep reading the account, the climax of this story is coming out...God is about to use this ONE guy to bring ultimate glory to HIMSELF!!! The people of Israel had pretty much thrown the One TRUE God out the window and had been worshiping Baal (who was a pretty nasty dude to worship, come to find out). God was gonna use this dusty, thirsty brook-dwelling, raven-fed prophet to show a whole mountain side full of people the POWER and AWESOME wonder of God. Right now, I am sitting at the dried up brook and I am asking, "Why?" "I thought I was doing what you told me?" "I thought this was the road I was supposed to take"....and it very well might have been. I am walking from dried up brook to a widow's house and thinking..."How did this happen?" I know when the doctor first told me that Hannah had died, I thought, "Here we go again, hopes dashes, dreams crushed...how am I gonna do this?" But I do not know the final chapter...I do not see, YET, how God will be glorified, but I am going to trust that He will be. Just like the prophet sitting at his brook...I did not know what the next chapter will be. But, I can tell you one thing...if I even get to have 1/100th of an ending like Elijah the prophet....then my brook experience will be worth it all.

He is a Daddy

Ryan knew it first. I did not really want to take the test. Ryan insisted and he waited the needed three minutes for me to come out and give the result...but as I think back on it...he already knew somehow. I sure didn't. Before we knew that Hannah was a girl...I wanted to name her Isaac because it means "laughter" and that is exactly what I did that December day when I took that test. But somehow...Ryan knew. On this Father's day...the first Father's Day that Ryan would have celebrated as a Father was hard for him. I knew it would be. But he was tough. He braved church and everything. He is the epitome of what it means to be a man. If I could say one thing about him as a Father it would be this...he was ready and more than willing. He was the cutest father-to-be. He bought a book a few weeks after we knew Hannah was a girl about how to raise girls. He spent hours picking the perfect bedding for her to sleep on. He was going to be the best father any little girl ever had. On this Father's day, I begin my prayers for a daughter for Ryan. I do not care how God provides her...but I am going to pray for her. Whether she is born to us or she is brought to us...I am going to pray for her each day, trusting and believing that God's plan for our family is best. But to all who may read, I ask you to remember, that my sweet Ryan is a daddy...a very, extra, wonderful special Daddy in a class that few are called to be in. I love that man and cannot wait to see how God provides a family for us to raise and love!!

An even BIGGER four years ago

There are many things about June 6, 2008 that do not really impact me. For example, my mother did not tell me (thankfully) that there were several moments of crisis with my wedding cake on that big day (apparently one of the tiers was crooked but I never noticed). I was not as phased by the heat as my poor relatives were as they scurried around setting up chairs and decorating my "garden". I never really got to taste my food at all and only tasted my cake when we took the "feeding each other cake" photo. But there is one thing I will never forget. I heard "Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring" and grabbed my Dad's arm. I inhaled deeply to keep the tears back. The day was here!!! I was getting married !!! The crowd stood up and I smiled...this was it. Then, I saw him. There he was. He was waiting for me at the end of that garden path...and he was happy to see me. Not just happy...his face was beaming and I KNEW at that moment: HE LOVED ME. He wanted me and only me. He wanted me to be his wife...forever. With all my quirks, with all my problems and issues...he wanted ME. I do not know if I will ever experience a feeling like that ever again. For that moment, in that space and time, the world was perfect and everything was right. That moment in time is etched in my memory. In the past few months (well, a full year now) I have revisited that moment countless times. Those two "babies" who got married that sweltering June day...They had NO idea what was ahead of them. They had no idea how many nights they would have to lean on each other for strength when their own strength was gone. They had no idea how many times the Lord would come through for them in the 11th hour and stengthen their faith once again. They had no idea how much fun they would have just spending time with each other...not spending even a dime to do it. They had no idea they would ever get to be homeownners (or dog owners for that matter). They had no idea the days of sunshine they would have or the storms they would have to walk through. They had no idea they would stand at the grave of their firstborn daughter...with her never having lived for even a minute outside of her mother's womb. They had no idea....no idea. And yet, we were ready, should those things come (and they did). We stood in that garden, in front of God, in front of our pastor, in front of everyone we knew and loved and PROMISED ourselves and them that we were in this for the long haul. We were there for each other...for better and for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer and for poorer. As these four years have gone by, we have had our share of "the worse, the sickness and the poorer." At the same time, God had a purpose in it. For one thing, we are bonded in ways few couples can understand. We know about sorrow...and those sorrows have made us stronger together. We know that if no one else on planet earth understands how we feel about something...we know that our "other half" knows why those tears pop up unannounced. We also know why we smile that silly smile even if no one else does. We know that one of us does not eat raw tomatoes and that the other hates corned beef. We know that one of us has more blue shirts in his closet than anyone else we know and that the other will wear any dress as long as it was picked out by the her sweet hubby. We know the likes, the dislikes, the fears and the hopes. And, what is even better is that we are willing to work on those fears and hang-ups without quitting on each other. Only our Heavenly Father knows what might come in the next 60 plus years...but whatever those things may be...I know we will make it through. We promised it to each other. We made that promise that hot June day four years ago and it is a vow we mean to stick to. After all, we promised "for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer...in sickness and in health."

Four years ago

I set my bright, new "professional" bag on my new desk. My stomach was alive with a million butterflies clammoring for my every thought. "Hmmm, should I rethink how I organized the desks in here?" "Is that really where I want those posters?" No time now to change it anyway. There would be students in my room any moment. Would they like me? After all, I was only 4 or 5 years older than some of my students. Would they respect me? Would this be the worst thing I had ever done? I had met a few of them at the open house a few days before. Most seemed less than impressed. Afterall, I was replacing a much beloved woman who had invested a lot of her personal time into helping these kids out. Here I was, still wet behind the ears from my internship...in their eyes, what did I know? I shook my head to clear my thoughts. Only ten minutes and that homeroom class would come pouring in. I was not expecting to have a homeroom when I started at school. I just thought I would teach my classes and go home. But, that was not what God had planned. The bell chimed and in walked a pack of freshmen...the class of 2012. These would be the lives I would be expected to get from freshmen to seniors. How was I to do that? Would they seek me out for help? Would they trust me? I took attendence and decided I would have to worry about that later. Four years later I sat in a pew at the graduation of my "babies." How had four years gone by so fast? How had this group of little freshmen suddenly become men and women ready to go out into the world? Together we had conquered so many things. We had fundraised, we had planned events, we had gone on the senior trip. My "babies" had come to me to talk through college application processes, friends moving away, what outfit to wear to homecoming, recommendation letters, and everything in between. With each name called and each diploma passed out, I could recall happy memories and sweet times. What a blessing that God had allowed me...plain old me...to be IN their lives. What an honor...and what a responsibility. As I looked at each face I thought to myself, "I got to have a part in that kids life!" I never expected when I walked into that classroom four years ago that I would be sad to see my kids go. With each speech that night, I laughed and cried. I felt a little silly at first when I packed tissues before I left for graduation...I thought to myself, "I will not need these." I was wrong. I will never forget that class. They blessed me and taught me things that will forget leave a mark on me. I wish them all the best and pray their lives honor God in every way.