What to say when there is nothing to say...

I knew a few weeks ago I needed to write this post. I had been putting it off. I didn't really want to write it. However, the more time went on, the more I knew it needed to be written. I am not writing it so you can feel bad for me. I don't even feel bad for me. I have been sad, but our God is a God of all comfort and He has given hope and joy. Additionally, I have been BUSY at work and that's a great distraction from whatever else might be going on around you. Right now I am in the middle of the Revolutionary War in 8th grade class, just started the Civil War in my AP history class, and am gearing up for the Great Depression in my Modern US history class (so as you can see, my brain is in three centuries at once...leaving me little time for this century). We have been petitioning the Lord for a sibling for Joel. We thought our prayers had been answered with a yes in late October, but by Thanksgiving break it was over and the Lord had called another Withee baby home to heaven. Sometimes, when my heart gets sad and lonely for my babies that I have loved and lost, I think about heaven. There are three children there that I love, that left a mark on my life, and yet I have never met them. I don't know what heaven will be like but I do hope that they will know me and I will know them!! Sometimes I wonder if people think I am hard-hearted. I mean, when we found out about this last baby, we told almost NO one about it because I was too afraid to tell. When we lost the baby, I shed my tears, I cried with Ryan, I prayed a lot...but I tried to keep it together everywhere else I went. It was easier to keep it together than to fall apart. I can't explain it. And yet, in all that loss, there is that perfect miracle with a smile we call Joel. In my darkest of sad days...there he is. Evidence that God is still in the business of answering prayer, above and beyond what we could ask and think. We have been happier in the days since he was born than any other time I can remember. He makes up smile and laugh and sometimes cry at how much he is growing and changing. So,what's the bottom line? Why am I telling you this? First, I am telling you this in case you were one of the few who "found out" about the pregnancy but I did not getting around to "un-telling" you. Secondly, I am telling you this because there is nothing more painful to a family struggling with miscarriage or infertility than questions. "When will you have another one?" "What's your hurry...There's lots of time for more babies". There is already so much guilt that accompanies miscarriage (even if your husband, doctor, specialist, and every other person with any kind of expertise tells you it is not your fault). You tend to blame yourself (even if you cut out all caffeine, chocolate, seafood, and lunch meat because the books tell you too). So, maybe you know or love someone who is going through this and you don't know how to help? Here are things that I KNOW helped me and made conversations far less difficult. 1. Just listen...we may feel like talking about it or we may not feel like saying anything. Just be ok with listening if we need it or talking about something else...ANYTHING else if we need to. 2. Encourage with the Word. NO, not words...the WORD of God. That's really the only thing that is going to give us hope. Don't tell me statistics about people who had so many miscarriages and then "poof" had a baby with no problems. Only the promises in the BOOK are going to make me feel better. Flood that person with "For with God, nothing is impossible"....."I am God, is there anything to hard for me?" Take us to the Cross and stay with us there!!! 3. Love us. When we are down, when we are up...all the emotions all the time. Just be understanding on the hard days (holidays can be hard, "due dates" are hard, baby birthdays are hard). Put your arm around us (if you are the hugging-type) and let us know you are there, you love us, and you care. That means SO MUCH. 4. Pray for us. This is a hard road. We don't know why we are asked to walk it. Talk to any woman who has been down this road and we will tell you...it is hard and it is exhausting. The doctors have told me (believe me, I have seen them A LOT in the last four years) that 1 out of 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. I have been the 1 in 4 three times out of four thus far. It is not fun at all but I can see that God can use it for good. It has made me so much more thankful for the blessing I have in Joel. It has made me much more careful to what I say to others regarding their families (how many kids they want to have, if they are waiting for kids...etc). The book of James has it right...our tongue is a powerful weapon capable of doing extraordinary good and unleashing dreadful hurt. So, I beg of you, ask yourself "Do I NEED to say this thing? If you don't...please don't say it. If you are reading this and you are waiting for your own blessing...I don't have an easy answer for you. I can (and have) told you my story. I can tell you that others have walked this road before us and it ended with fabulous blessings through natural, biological children and others were led down the pathway of adoption. Keep holding on. Realize it is OK to have a down day. The one thing you MUST do is keep in contact with the Lord about it. Waiting...just like you are... XOXO AMY

Thank You

So, apparently, October is Pastor Appreciation month. Let's just say I have been so busy chasing a toddler around and teaching that I pretty much just realized it was October about two days ago. However, I wanted to write down some thank you's for my pastor's wives. I know you are supposed to thank your pastors first and foremost and believe me I am MORE than thankful for the amazing pastors currently in my life but also those who have been in our lives in the past. However, my pastor's wives have been there for me and ministered to me in very practical ways. These are just a few of the ways they have helped me and I wanted to say thank you for... ...taking out a visiting young married couple on one of the first Sundays we visited the church. ...allowing us to minster along side you in Sunday school classes, AWANA, and many other events. ...Listening to me when I worried we would never, ever have children and then courageously telling me your own stories of waiting and loss and depending on God. ...Taking me out to lunch, to coffee, meeting me for breakfast to talk and encourage ...Coming to the hospital to comfort us and cry along with us when our sweet Hannah was born sleeping. You cried genuine tears with us and came to be with us when it was difficult to do so. ...Ministering to my parents in the losses when I was too overwhelmed to help them cope. ...Coming to our Hannah's funeral when I KNOW it was painful for you to come ...Helping me deal with my loss by sending me messages, texts, cards, and hugs ...Shopping for owls for my new classroom at every store you went to (most of my collection came from you) ...Sending me little notes and work telling me you were praying for me during my first day at my new school. ...Celebrating with us when we discovered we were having sweet baby J. ...Reassuring me and praying for us when I worried over every moment of my pregnancy. ...Coming to my baby shower and smothering us with love and gifts ...Shopping owl themed baby items...even making some yourself!!! ...Bringing us all kinds of food when our sweet J made his appearance. ...Being the first person (after us and our parents) to hold our sweet baby boy and being his extra set of "Grammies" ...Coming to my home the first week baby J and I were home from the hospital and "keeping guard" over him so I could finally sleep, since my neurotic self was so afraid my little reflux baby would choke while I slept ***I smile now thinking back to that first week...what a wreck I was. ...Coming and bringing me "new mommy" supplies that I did not even know I needed. ...Cleaning my dirty "new mommy" house for me while I napped and held my sweet baby ...Loving my little boy as he grows, liking his pictures on facebook, hugging him when we walk by in church. For all you have done and all I am sure you will do....I love you and thank our GREAT GOD for you!!! Thanks for being a minister of grace and blessing to me and my family!

My baby is one

No one told me that I would get choked up when I heard the Happy Birthday song at his party. Thankfully I was so busy keeping him from touching the flame on his candle that I did not have time to cry. I had no idea when that screaming bundle got handed to me a year ago that my identity would change forever. I became "Joel's mommy." Its not so much that I stopped being Amy, because I am. But, adding that little 7 lbs 13 oz baby to my life pushed me into a new place. He has caused me to think about my relationship with God and caused me to reflect and examine my faith. I can remember the day Joel was born like it was only yesterday (in many ways it feels like it was only yesterday). I had them induce me because of my past history I was very fearful of waiting till his due date. Finally my doctor consented and I went in on a Saturday night. They gave me some pills to help me get my last good sleep of the night and gave me some meds to "get things started so tomorrow they could start the labor induction" with the assurance that 99% of women get a good nights rest and labor does not begin naturally at all for them. I was the 1%. I labored through the night and finally, at about 6 am the next morning I was able to get an epidural (could have kissed that doctor right there, let me tell you). Then, things became a blur because the next thing I knew, after only about 45 minutes of pushing, Joel was born at 9:41 on Sunday, July 21! I was so thankful that he was born, and healthy and all ours!!! This post from my dad on that day is one of my favorites.

This little boy is a gift that I will never, ever deserve. He has made us so happy and has given us countless hours of entertainment. Every day there is something new and exciting that he discovers. I think about all the years of my life that I have wasted spending it on me, on pointless endeavors. Its funny, when we chose Joel's name, we based it off of the verse in Joel that talks about God redeeming the years the locusts had eaten. I feel like God is doing that in our life. We waited and waited for this little guy and he could not be a bigger blessing. In the years to come we are praying that we will be able to shape this little boy into the man God would have him to be. He are excited to watch him learn to talk and sing and run and play. I cannot wait for him to show me what he learned in school. I did cry the night he turned one because he really is not a baby any more in the truest sense of the word. He rarely needs me to cuddle him, he mostly feeds himself, and he likes me be on the move ALL THE TIME. But, I will hold on to those last little moments of babyhood as long as I can. He is a gift and we love him so much. Happy birthday, Joel Andrew!!!

Happy

May 11th, 2014, A red carnation and a simple greeting. That's all it took. I stood on the dock holding that single carnation and I cried. I did not boo hoo or weep hysterically, but there were tears. They were the happiest tears on earth shed at the happiest place on earth. I had spent Mother's Day, with MY SON and husband at the Magic Kingdom. Never, ever over the course of the deep dark valley I had walked to motherhood did I ever think I would get there. On the way out of the park, an employee noticed us and handed me that single carnation and said, "Happy Mother's Day"...and for the first time since this journey to being a mommy began, it did not make me sad or cause me to cringe or make me feel like I needed to explain that I was a mommy but that none of my babies were here. No, all I did was smile, look at my miracle and say, "Thank you!" So, as we awaited the ferry boat to take us back to normal life and normal routines, I clutched that carnation in my hand and grabbed a baby wipe (cause I am a mommy now so I have them in my purse, in the stroller, and emergency stash in the car, and some in the diaper bag) to wipe up my face. In the stroller basket was that personalized Christmas ornament from the Disney Christmas store that I NEVER thought I would be able to buy. In the shopping bag was a Mickey Mouse toy, which I thought I would only ever buy for someone else's child (and always swore I would never buy for my own child anyway because eventually the stuffed animals have their own bedroom and your house is overflowing with them...but I don't even care...my baby is not even a year and I am pretty sure he has about 20 already). Since God sent us Joel and made me a mommy, there have been a couple of moments where I was just flooded with straight up thankfulness, joy, and happiness...and this was one of them. I did not care that we only rode a couple rides or that he had fallen asleep BOTH times we were getting ready to meet characters and take pictures. I did not care that I will be singing "It's a small world" for the next weeks...because that was his favorite. I did not care that I had take out delivered to our hotel room both nights so that way Joel could stay on his bedtime routine and not get over tired (mommy is also on a bedtime routine called "as soon as the baby crashes, so do I"). None of it mattered. It was Mother's Day. I am a mother. I am happy. And yes, I cannot wait to take Joel back there again!!!

What I See

Dear Joel, You are so special to us. Yesterday, we were diving home and I looked back at the mirror above your car seat and I saw your cute little chubby face. You smiled. I melted. When I look at you...this is what I see 1. You are the embodiment of answered prayer. For you we prayed, cried, anticipated, planned and dreamed. Sometimes I cannot believe you are here and that you have been entrusted to us. 2. You are a picture of God's grace in times of trial. When your sister went to be with Jesus, it really felt like I would never be whole again. Then, God made you. It showed me, once again, the goodness of the Lord to us. 3. You are the stealer of sleep and I am ok with that because I know it will not last forever 4. You are the smile-maker...even on the hardest days you make me smile 5. You are mommy and daddy's special treasure and you will always be our sweet boy. Every day in new ways I am thankful to be your mommy. In the spit up, dirty diapers, extra laundry and bottle dishes...there is joy because of YOU. I want to write this down now because there is a chance (with the new "no sleeping policy" you have instituted in our house) that Mommy will forget exactly how we feel today. XOXO--Mommy Just some pictures of my sweet boy being himself....SWEET

Entrusted

Recent events have caused me to pause and reflect. First, I am thankful. Just oh so thankful. I am thankful for the life I have. I am thankful for my husband who works harder than any man I have ever, ever met so he can provide for us. I am thankful for my beautiful son, so long awaited!!! I am thankful for my job AND for the fact that my sweet little boy is only a building away from me during my day. But there is that word again..."My". I have been thinking (dangerous, considering my little man has not allowed me to get a full night of sleep since he was 3 months old...ha ha). None of this that I am blessed with is actually mine. It is all HIS. I have been entrusted. The realization of that is huge for me. HE has the right to ask me to be entrusted with something...but HE also chooses for how long. With our first two babies, I was entrusted for a shorter period of time than I would have liked...but HE knew something I did not know. I just want to be a trustworthy steward of these things that God has entrusted me with. I want to hear Him say, "You did so well, my child. I gave you some hard tasks and you completed each one just as I wanted you to." Learning this is helping me to walk through hard things...because life has hard things. But, it has also given me joy. Joy in knowing I do not have to stress. I can rest in knowing that HE has a time table. He is good...always good. ON a lighter note....here is my adorable almost 7 month blessing

Sometimes it takes a journey

When you work at a small Christian school, you are often asked to wear many hats. One of the hats I get this year is the duty of crosswalk. Believe it or not, it has been the most pleasant experience (as far as extra duties go) that I have ever had. Its fun to me to watch the little preschoolers skip their way across the pathway to their class because they are so excited to see their friends and play outside. I love seeing my high school students that I don't get to have in class this year and catch up with them for a moment or two. But most of all, I love the little conversations I get to overhear. Yesterday, I was standing there when a young dad walked towards me with his two young children. I did not hear the whole conversation, but one of the little ones asked the dad a question that apparently he did not know the answer to. His response has stuck with me ever since. "Wow, honey, I do not know the answer to that. But you know what, we will go home and do some searching and we will find the answer." Here comes the best part...."You know, sometimes you have to take a little journey to find the answer." I love that. Right there, in the parking lot, on the way to school, this dad was parenting...imparting life lessons. He was being intentional. Sometimes we get so caught up in life's business and we forget that everyday there are opportunities to teach wisdom. We just have to look for them. Sometimes I worry (shocker, I know). Sometimes I worry that I am doing this parenting thing all wrong. Did I feed him the wrong baby food? Should I have let him go to school with that runny nose? How much spit up is too much? (yes, I have googled that...don't laugh...when you become a parent you will google it too). I need not worry. I need to be intentional. When I am singing my little man to sleep, choose a hymn. When I am reading him a story...make it one with a lesson. When I am rocking him at night, take a moment and pray over him. Lack of time should not mean lack of purposeful parenting. On a lighter note....I wanted to blog some cute things about little man before I forget. His latest nicknames list 1. Joely Poley 2. Joelie Olie Olie Oh 3. Joely man 4. Joely pants 5. Joely Bear 6. Joelius Polius (his teachers call him this and it is so cute) Things Joel does that are too cute for words 1. Sucks in his bottom lip...oh my...so adorable 2. Eats pears and prune (prunes are a no go...hates them. Pears however are the magic poop-inducing food). 3. Rolls everywhere 4. Reaches out to touch your face when you talk to him (melts me like butter) 5. Splashes in the tub 6. Open mouth kisses you on the cheek 7. Eats his toes 8. Smiles when I pick him up at school (oh my...best thing ever). 9, Sleeps in his big boy bed (most times without yelling...but not always :) 10. Is the sweetest little blessing of my life!!! Until we meet again!! XOXO, Amy