What to say when there is nothing to say...

I knew a few weeks ago I needed to write this post. I had been putting it off. I didn't really want to write it. However, the more time went on, the more I knew it needed to be written. I am not writing it so you can feel bad for me. I don't even feel bad for me. I have been sad, but our God is a God of all comfort and He has given hope and joy. Additionally, I have been BUSY at work and that's a great distraction from whatever else might be going on around you. Right now I am in the middle of the Revolutionary War in 8th grade class, just started the Civil War in my AP history class, and am gearing up for the Great Depression in my Modern US history class (so as you can see, my brain is in three centuries at once...leaving me little time for this century). We have been petitioning the Lord for a sibling for Joel. We thought our prayers had been answered with a yes in late October, but by Thanksgiving break it was over and the Lord had called another Withee baby home to heaven. Sometimes, when my heart gets sad and lonely for my babies that I have loved and lost, I think about heaven. There are three children there that I love, that left a mark on my life, and yet I have never met them. I don't know what heaven will be like but I do hope that they will know me and I will know them!! Sometimes I wonder if people think I am hard-hearted. I mean, when we found out about this last baby, we told almost NO one about it because I was too afraid to tell. When we lost the baby, I shed my tears, I cried with Ryan, I prayed a lot...but I tried to keep it together everywhere else I went. It was easier to keep it together than to fall apart. I can't explain it. And yet, in all that loss, there is that perfect miracle with a smile we call Joel. In my darkest of sad days...there he is. Evidence that God is still in the business of answering prayer, above and beyond what we could ask and think. We have been happier in the days since he was born than any other time I can remember. He makes up smile and laugh and sometimes cry at how much he is growing and changing. So,what's the bottom line? Why am I telling you this? First, I am telling you this in case you were one of the few who "found out" about the pregnancy but I did not getting around to "un-telling" you. Secondly, I am telling you this because there is nothing more painful to a family struggling with miscarriage or infertility than questions. "When will you have another one?" "What's your hurry...There's lots of time for more babies". There is already so much guilt that accompanies miscarriage (even if your husband, doctor, specialist, and every other person with any kind of expertise tells you it is not your fault). You tend to blame yourself (even if you cut out all caffeine, chocolate, seafood, and lunch meat because the books tell you too). So, maybe you know or love someone who is going through this and you don't know how to help? Here are things that I KNOW helped me and made conversations far less difficult. 1. Just listen...we may feel like talking about it or we may not feel like saying anything. Just be ok with listening if we need it or talking about something else...ANYTHING else if we need to. 2. Encourage with the Word. NO, not words...the WORD of God. That's really the only thing that is going to give us hope. Don't tell me statistics about people who had so many miscarriages and then "poof" had a baby with no problems. Only the promises in the BOOK are going to make me feel better. Flood that person with "For with God, nothing is impossible"....."I am God, is there anything to hard for me?" Take us to the Cross and stay with us there!!! 3. Love us. When we are down, when we are up...all the emotions all the time. Just be understanding on the hard days (holidays can be hard, "due dates" are hard, baby birthdays are hard). Put your arm around us (if you are the hugging-type) and let us know you are there, you love us, and you care. That means SO MUCH. 4. Pray for us. This is a hard road. We don't know why we are asked to walk it. Talk to any woman who has been down this road and we will tell you...it is hard and it is exhausting. The doctors have told me (believe me, I have seen them A LOT in the last four years) that 1 out of 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. I have been the 1 in 4 three times out of four thus far. It is not fun at all but I can see that God can use it for good. It has made me so much more thankful for the blessing I have in Joel. It has made me much more careful to what I say to others regarding their families (how many kids they want to have, if they are waiting for kids...etc). The book of James has it right...our tongue is a powerful weapon capable of doing extraordinary good and unleashing dreadful hurt. So, I beg of you, ask yourself "Do I NEED to say this thing? If you don't...please don't say it. If you are reading this and you are waiting for your own blessing...I don't have an easy answer for you. I can (and have) told you my story. I can tell you that others have walked this road before us and it ended with fabulous blessings through natural, biological children and others were led down the pathway of adoption. Keep holding on. Realize it is OK to have a down day. The one thing you MUST do is keep in contact with the Lord about it. Waiting...just like you are... XOXO AMY