May 3rd

Tomorrow is May 3rd...Hannah’s day. Even though the actual event was six years ago now, the emotions are still as raw and as fresh as though it were yesterday. It’s a hard day to get through. I have to work and live as though nothing ever happened. My students won’t know. My coworkers won’t know. Our family as a whole sets aside mother’s day weekend every year to mark her short life and celebrste the short time we had her with us. A wise man once said that God can’t bless a man richly until He has hurt him deeply. Hannah leaving us was a deep hurt. It still hurts. Sometimes there are still dark days. However, I have been blessed richly. My beautiful son. If Hannah had not been taken, it’s doubtful he would be with us. He is so special, so happy, and brings us such joy. He didn’t and couldn’t replace Hannah but he was like a sweet balm on a deep wound. Then came Leah who was like the cherry on top of a sweet surprise. So tomorrow when I feel like being sad, I will get up early and make bottles for Leah and pack a sandwich (which is do most days for Joel) in a Spider-Man lunchbox. I will love my babies here...while I remember my baby “over there”. I will teach other people’s “babies” and attempt to mask my grief because that’s what I am called to do. I think Hannah would be proud of her mom in that moment. I will pray for my 1 in 4 Facebook group that BECAUSE of Hannah exists. I will reach out to those moms who have just recently walked through that dark valley of baby losses and love them and pray for them because of Hannah. Hannah’s life was short but oh so purposeful. So if you see me tomorrow and I am not fully myself...I’m ok. It’s ok. I don’t need you to feel bad for me. I don’t feel Bad for myself and I don’t need you to pity me or even hug me (I really don’t like hugs anyway). I’m not sad because I don’t know where she is or that she will never feel pain or suffering. I’m sad because we miss her and we loved her. But tomorrow I will muster the strength that comes from knowing the one who made Hannah and who, for HIS purposes and His plans, took her home. Happy heaven birthday, Hannah! We miss you