We won't be there

He already made a reservation. Every year, about this time, he makes a reservation. It hasn't always been like this, but just like time has a way of settling into a set pattern, we have too. It's almost May. May brings some very hard days, along with some very happy days. There is one weekend on the calendar in May where you won't see us. We won't be in town and we won't be in our pew at church. It's Mother's Day. The first couple of years when we were married, Mother's Day was just another day on the calendar. Then came the "waiting years" when mother's day was painful and I usually cried in the car on the way home. After we lost our first baby, Mother's Day was agonizing. After we lost Hannah...it was unbearable. And my precious Husband refused to let the pain go on. I will never, ever forget the first Mother's Day after Hannah went to heaven. Originally, when we had to plan for her funeral, the director told us he could only do the service on Sunday, which was Mother's Day that year. When I told my mom that, she cried FOR me. Somehow (again, probably my husband stepping in when I was too numb to do so for myself) it got changed to another day. When Mother's Day came, Ryan took us away to a little bungalow on the beach and there we stayed. We cried and we relaxed and most importantly, we had time to process and be together to grieve. By the time the next Mother's Day rolled around, Joel was on his way but by this time, escaping Mother's Day was the plan. So, it is a tradition now. You might say, "Why don't you go to church on Mother's day...now you have reason to celebrate?" For me, Mother's Day still connects with the sting we felt during the years of unexplained infertility, and then the years of loss, and now the years of joy (mixed with more waiting). Now, before you say, "That is so depressing"...let me say that some of my happiest memories have been on these getaways. It serves a purpose. First, it allows Ryan and I time to relax, away from our jobs and our other responsibilities and to focus on US. Second,it allows us to remember the sweet lives that, however short they were, were a part of our family (and still are...we just are separated for now). Third, it allows us to shed the tears we may have, alone and unashamed. Fourth, it is so wonderful to get away and spend time on Joel, watching him experience something new for the first time. I remember this year, on Easter, sitting in the pew at church listening to my Pastor speak about the resurrection. I remember thinking, during that sermon, back to that first Mother's Day after Hannah and thinking..."She's there NOW. Someday I will see her again. Paul was so right when he said so triumphantly in Corinthians 'Oh death, where is thy sting. Oh grave, thy victory'?" To me, Mother's Day reminds me that I have children in two worlds at once. I have three children whom I only knew for short amounts of time and one child here who delights me by the second. Sometimes I wonder if in heaven there will be time for me to know my three already there and to understand in full what God's design was in the short duration of their time on earth. Mother's Day this year holds another meaning too. Yes, I am sad for the babies I loved and lost. Yes, I am beyond thankful and happy for the little man I have to hold here and now. And now, I am looking forward with joy to the prospect of the child/children God has for us to love through the miracle of adoption. Ryan and I have talked about adopting since we were dating, and now, we are ready to take the first initial steps to get the process moving. Am I scared to death of what lies ahead? YES...emphatically YES! Am I beyond excited with the prospect of bringing a child who has no one to love it into a home brimming with love? Yes...emphatically YES! So, dear friend and faithful reader, don't look for me on Mother's Day. Don't feel sad for me on Mother's Day either. While it is a hard day for me, it is a glorious day as well. It's just another day for me to look at my life and say, "My, my , my....look at the imprint of God's grace all over this life I am living! It's not easy...but oh, it is so wonderful." Until next time --AMY