Open Letter

Dear Little Boy, I have actually fought with myself over this letter to you. Should I write it? Who would be offended? Who would it bother? I fought with myself for at least three days. I mean, I don't know you, you are not in my family, and I won't ever meet you until the day I die and enter heaven. But I felt it needed to be written. Then today, I couldn't fight it anymore. I was tending to my day, just like any other Saturday. But, on my way to the store, I saw the straw that broke the camel's back. There were the protesters where they are almost every Saturday. They were gathered in front of the clinic that murders babies just like you. This time though, they were trying to talk to a woman who was leaving that place of death. But, by looking at her face and the sadness etched in it, I knew it was too late to save her baby. I was hoping she would take their information, because I know for a fact she will wish she had never made that choice but she may need help to cope with the path she now finds herself on. I am not ignorant. I know abortion exists. I teach history. Roe v. Wade is a case I cover every year when we finally make it into the "modern" part of Modern American History. I also know it existed long before that "big" case. However, I never put a face to it, until I watched the video that introduced you to the world. I had to force myself to watch it. I have never aborted a baby. I believe it is murder. I had a different reason for not wanting to watch it. I begged God for babies. I have been pregnant four times... but I have only held two of my babies and only brought one baby home to stay. I did not wish that on myself. I would not wish it on the most hated of enemies. But, given my history of loss, I hope you understand why I did not watch it sooner. I couldn't do it. It made me angry. Every time they talked about you I wanted to scream at the screen "I want that little boy...I would take him. Please don't kill any more of them... send them to me." But, I made myself watch it. And I wept. I wept tears for all I have lost. I wept for all the other nameless babies who had been killed. I even wept for your mother, whoever she is. I can imagine that in the future she will feel agony every time the day you were due passes by. Another year without you. I know I still get sad when I see a little girl who is as old as my Hannah would have been by now. I still stay home on her birthday. Most of all, I wept for you. You didn't get a name and you didn't get a family. Rather, the world met you because someone murdered you and then callously sold you. Yet, the butcher who took your life and your organs took the time to tell the world, "it's another little boy". Its a phrase that should have been uttered with joy while you exercised your voice for the first time in this new world you would have found yourself in. It should have been uttered to the couple who could never have children of their own but would have been getting you because you were going to be adopted. Now, I know you were a human soul long before the world met you. You were a human soul before your mommy knew you existed. God knit you together. Its because of this sin cursed world that I have to write this letter to you. Evil did this to you. I also know that even though you likely felt pain when you were taken from your mother's body...I rest in knowing that you will never again feel pain because you are at home with God. You are safe and there you are loved. I do want you to know, however, that while your mom may not have wanted you or loved you... this mommy would have taken you in a heart beat. I have held in my very hands the little lives of my own babies that are in heaven with you. And what those murderers called "tissues" and "products", I called "my sweet baby" and wept when they were gone. While in my heart I blamed myself for their loss, in my head, I knew there was nothing I could have done differently. God is sovereign. He took my babies home... maybe to spare them a life of pain. But whatever the reason, I am thankful I got to carry them until He called them. Know this, little boy, many mourned you when your story hit the airwaves. We also mourned the millions of others, just like you, who never got the chance to know a mother's kiss, a daddy's hug, a first birthday cake, or milestones that make up this earthly life. I also want you to know, sweet boy, that this genocide against babies like you has to stop. This mommy's heart can't watch any more of those videos. I can't. The only way that will stop is if the murder of babies like you stops. I will do my part. I promise you. I am happy you get to enjoy heaven. I am sure my babies have already introduced themselves to you (their daddy is very outgoing so I am sure they are quick to meet new arrivals like yourself). We will meet someday. When we do, I will have you to thank for helping me see what's right in a world that has gone crazy with wrong.

Vacation Ends--Reflections

Well our last two days of vacation were an absolute blur. We started our 4th day back at the Magic Kingdom, hitting all the highlights (teacups, Winnie the Pooh--more than once, twice, three times). We spent most of the morning there and then went home and let Joel take a longer than normal nap because we were going to take the plunge and let him see his very first fireworks show! It did not disappoint. There were a few moments during the show where the noises startled him a little bit, but for the most part, he really enjoyed it. Then, since the park crowds really slimmed down, we hit all our favorite rides with unbridled energy. If it was open, we went for a spin. We even went on the Jungle Cruise, in the dark (which even mommy found a little creepy in the dark). Joel was a trooper through the whole thing, passed out on the bus trip back to the hotel and slept all through the night with no issues. On our last day, we went to Hollywood Studios, which I really did not think would have much to keep us there, but when we left I was kind of sad because it was such a fun place, even for Joel. We started the day by RUSHING as fast as our legs could carry us to the Toy Story Midway Mania game, which is a blast. When we took our first ride, the wait time was 10 minutes. So, we decided once we got off the ride we would try to go through it one more time before the lines got too long... the wait was already at 50 minutes!! BUT, as luck would have it, right across the way, Woody and Buzz had just arrived at the picture spot, so we hustled right over there for some pictures with them. Next, we went to the Disney Junior live show, which Joel loved. There were dancing puppets, bubbles that rained from the roof, fake snow, and gold doubloons (gold paper cut into circles... but Joel loved it) and even confetti at the very end of the show. Finally, we went deep into the park to find Mike and Sullivan from Monsters Inc. We snagged a picture with them and before we knew it, it was time to go and make the trip home. I know wishes don't come true and I know magic isn't real. However, as I stood in the middle of that mass of humanity watching the "wishes" fireworks show, I could not help but smile so big I thought my face would crack. I also shed a tear or two. There were a lot of emotions racing through my mind as I watched those beautiful fireworks. First, my baby is not a baby anymore. He is two. He says words, he runs, he eats food like I do, and he (thankfully) sleeps all night long like a real person does. He has opinions (and he voices them loudly). He has things he loves and things he hates. He is not a baby. Yet, as I held him in the moments when the sounds were a little overwhelming for him, I was reminded once again of all the times I would be doing something fun or celebratory and wishing there was a little person in my life to share it with and to watch experience things for the very first time. I paused for the 17,000 time to be thankful that God saw fit to answer the cry of my heart and fill our home with this firecracker of a little boy. Second, I am so glad that we got this chance to get away from work and potty training and summer cleaning projects and just be us, the three of us. Everyone needs that time to unplug from all the responsibility and hustle and bustle that is life and just relax for a little while. Third, every time Joel learns something new or experiences something for the first time, there is just this bubbling of joy and happiness that comes over me...I cannot explain it, but I love it. Watching him genuinely love something or enjoy something makes me happy. One of my favorite moments of the whole trip was watching Joel and Ryan ride the tea cups...I got to watch their expressions as they spun around and around (all the while thankful I was not on that thing). What sweet looks on their faces!! Something I can treasure when we are in the middle of the most hectic parts of the school year. I am blessed... no other words can describe it. Blessed, blessed, blessed.

My all time favorite picture of vacation

Kisses for joel

Late night ride

Fireworks selfie

Spinning teacups

That cute little boy face!!!

Another favorite

Taking a ride on the Dumbo ride

Vacation day 3

We got to Animal Kingdom today bright and early. We headed straight for the Kilomanjaro Safaris. We knew it would be great but we had no idea how great it would be...Joel loved all of it. In fact we loved it so much we made a plan to come back later in the afternoon (in hopes that a lion would be awake).

Joel's beloved "happos".... He knew exactly what they were even though they were so far underwater.

The baby giraffes just about made me want to cry. They were between three and five months old and they were just so cute!!!

When we went back later for a second trip...the lion was finally visible but sadly Joel was fast asleep!!

Joel loves this exhibit because he can get right up next to the fish. He just kept yelling "feeshes"!!
Playing the drums in Africa 

Time for a banana break at Starbucks!!

We decided to see how Joel would handle a show. We went to the Festival of the Lion King. It was great. There were acrobats and music and animatronic animals. Joel was mesmerized. It was also a great way to escape the heat and the rain as well.

On our late afternoon return trip to safari poor Joel just could not stay up. So we enjoyed the animals while he rested up.

Vacation day 2

Today we made the trip to magic kingdom! We had a very nice but very rainy morning there. We arrived before the park opened and got a bonus of seeing Mickey up close. I highly recommend getting to the park when it opens because we walked right on to several rides with no waits at all. We rode the spinning tea cups (mommy has officially sworn off that ride forever....too much spinning for me)

Waiting for the rope to drop to open the park. 

Riding the magic carpets....this was his first ride ever at Disney when he was still just a little guy. He loved working the lever that made us fly higher and higher 

The sword in the stone....we gave it our best shot to pull it out of the stone...no luck 

Mickeys philharmagic....so much fun we did it twice. Once Joel figured out that the glasses made the movie better he was very much interested 

We had such a nice day. We really are so thankful to have time together to have fun being together as a family and watching Joel enjoy life. Ryan works so very hard that it makes me smile that for his vacation he chose Disney (because let's face it...it's a lot of work for mom and dad to tackle this place). I go to bed tonight thankful for all I have...but even more thankful for the people that have my heart!!

See you tomorrow 

xOXo

Amy

Vacation day 1

Our first stop today was Epcot. We had a nice (although hot) time. J is getting more and more into meeting the characters but never without a good solid death grip on me or Ryan. He is deep in the throes of wanting freedom...so there were a few moments where we had to discuss WHY it is so important to hold hands!!

We stopped after a few minutes at the park for the Coke around the world kiosk. On a hot day the free samples of goodness from Thailand and South Africa cannot be resisted. Even J had a sample or two. Joy of joys, the coffee shop had coconut mocha frappes so we enjoyed one of those as well. J saw a banana (bananut as he calls them) at the coffee shop so we munched for a few minutes before hitting the next ride.

We decided to get a fast pass for "spaceship" earth ( and aside from the so called cavemen at the start of the story, it was an interesting little trip. At the end, they show you your home in the future. Here is mom and J in their home of the future (sadly daddy is not pictured because he was holding J). 

Until tomorrow 

Xoxo

Amy 

Now We Are Two

Dear Joel, Tomorrow morning, in the middle of your very first swimming lesson, you will be turning two. I cannot believe we have had you to hold and snuggle and kiss for two whole years. Mommy loves you so very much. When I think of how quickly your little life is flying by it makes me sad. However, every time you learn something new it makes me so happy and laugh so hard that I can hardly wait to see what you are going to do next. I will never, ever, ever forget the day you were born and the sweetest sound I ever heard when they said, "He is here and he is perfect" and then I heard your little tiny voice (making very loud noises) for the first time and I knew then, I had never felt so tired and blessed and overwhelmed with love and emotion before. They put you on my chest and I kissed your perfect little head and I breathed a sigh that only a mommy understands and praised our great God that He had created you just for us! Our miracle, our little boy, our answer to prayer, our restoration of the years the locusts had eaten (reason for your name found in Joel 2:25), our Joel! Even though you are a "big boy" (at least that's what we tell you every time we successfully get you to use the potty), mommy still sneaks into your room once you are asleep to look at your sweet little sleeping face because in that moment, you are still my little baby. I still go in and remove at least 15 stuffed animals from off your face because you simply cannot sleep without Pooh, Piglet, Tigger, Eeyore, one dog, three monsters, and an assortment of loveys and taggies. I still keep the baby monitor on in my room because I love to hear the little sleeping sounds you make. I love that when you wake up in the morning you start with a really sweet and quiet "Mom" that grows in volume till I come get you. I love that you sometimes greet me with a "Hi" when I come in your room or you lift one of your beloved stuffed friends for me to say "Hi" to before we leave your bed. I love that you say "eat" almost immediately upon waking up (something you will doubtless do, even when you no longer live in our house and you have a wife of your own. I sure she will think its cute too). I love that you love pancakes and that you smell sweet like syrup after breakfast every time, without fail because you always drip some of that sticky goodness on your jammies. I love that you have adorable ways of saying everything. You say "peash" for please and whenever you say "bye bye" you also tell the person to "hab pun" (have fun). I LOVE that you scream "bush" anytime you see (or hear) a bus (which includes busses, trash trucks, motorcycles and any other loud vehicle). I love how you say "air pain" for airplane and "cacker" for cracker. I love that you can make every little old lady in Publix ohhhh and ahhhhh over you and your sweet antics. I love how you jump and then CLIMB the back of the couch when you hear daddy come home... the only other person that gets that kind of excitement is the garbage truck (not sure why you love the trash truck so much but that's just another little weird thing about you that I love). I love that you are not afraid to try anything. The kiddie playground... forget about it... you went right for the big leagues (much to my heart's palpitations fearing you would attempt to slide down the fireman pole). Your picky eating habits have me in torments, but mommy has gotten inventive with the word "pizza" and "French fries" in an attempt to get you to eat veggies. We have eaten "veggie fries", "pea fries" and the like. You talk a lot and a lot of the time I have no idea what you are talking about but its fun to listen to you anyways. There are days when you are probably very frustrated with me that I don't understand what you are talking about like the day you cried for a good ten minutes on the way home in the car telling mom that you wanted "pa-pie-nuts" (which mommy and daddy have yet to decode). You run and jump and play hard all day. You have never met a sport you didn't like and mommy may be a little biased but I am thinking you are the next soccer/baseball/basketball star. You love books and music and hopping around like a wild man. You sing and play with all the energy of an atomic bomb and I love that about you. Mommy has probably made many mistakes already in raising you, especially since I did not grow up with any boys in my house, but daddy is always around to remind me...." Remember, mommy, he is a boy and he is two.". It makes me smile and reminds me that you are just doing what boys do... making messes, throwing balls, being loud and smiling for hours. You love to love people and you love to give hugs to daddy and mommy. You still love to snuggle when you feel sleepy and mommy is milking that for all its worth. You know how to work a tablet and a smart phone better than mommy and you have a brain that loves to figure out how things work. Everyday is a new adventure to you and I am loving watching you discover and explore the world around you. From play-doh on the floor to crayons EVERYWHERE, I always have reminders that a busy little boy lives in my house. I am so thankful for those reminders and more importantly, for you! You are my sweet little TWO year old boy and I love you so much! Can't wait to see what you learn and discover in this upcoming year. XOXOXO, MOMMY

It Took a Hurricane (Part 2)

So, how did I come to Clearwater Christian College? That's a long story that involves one very long Freshman year, several pivotal moments, and one nasty hurricane named Ivan. In the fall of 2004, I made my way to a certain Christian College in the panhandle of Florida that will remain nameless because... well, I think by the time I finish this post, you will see why. The school year started much like it would for any college freshman... there were the nervous butterflies about meeting your roommates for the first time, the slight fear about really being "on your own" for the first time and the like. I remember when my parents dropped me off and I made my way to my 4th floor dorm room, I cried in the elevator on my way up because it was just a really big unknown. I had just gotten settled into a routine, class schedule, a lunch table to eat at that was not super awkward, how to get my hose on and run to classes without being late when I overslept.... and it happened. They called a special assembly to let us know that a hurricane was headed for the campus and we needed to prepare. I will spare you all the details but the long story short was, we were told to brush our teeth, get a shower, and take care of "business" one more time before we were to be evacuated to shelters ON CAMPUS because there was no way of knowing when we would have the chance to do those type of things again (if the power went out or if we had flooding or major damage). Now, one would think that the students would be sent to homes of families that were part of the campus church, or students who lived within 6-8 hours could go home and take a roommate or two with them. But, that was not the case. We were going to shelter in place. As we were being moved from our dorm building to the "shelter", I looked to the sky and remember thinking what an eerie, threatening sky it was. Being from Wyoming originally, I had seen plenty of scary skies, but those were hail storms or tornadoes and I knew how to cope with those storms. A hurricane was a totally new event for me and I was afraid. I remember one moment of that night as I lay asleep on the floor, where I wondered if we were really safe and sound. But, I slept on. We were given the firm assurance that the campus was safe as a shelter. (It did not prove to be so. For me and my dorm mates, the storm passed over us without incident but for the men, their first choice of shelter--a classroom--flooded and they were sent on to the sports arena. For another group of men staying in the field house the AC unit later crashed through the roof and onto the floor where the men had been sleeping prior to being moved). When we woke the next morning, we were not given the all clear right way. Lunch boxes were delivered and we stayed in and attempted to keep from going stir crazy. Several of us may have started up a friendly game of indoor hockey with the "pucks" that were supposed to be our turkey bagels (there were frozen solid). Finally, the time came where we were permitted to leave the shelter and see what Ivan had done to the campus. It wasn't pretty. Windows broken, trees everywhere, screening from pools and windows strewn all about. There was no power and there was no running water. We were stuck here... there was no place to go. I had an agonizing decision to make. The school had decided that we could go home IF we had parents who could come get us, take us home, and have us back as soon as classes could resume (which was several days). However, my closest friend on campus was not a native of Florida. She came from North Dakota. I just didn't see how I could go home and leave her here miles and miles from anyone she knew. So, we stayed. Since we had no power, no AC, and no running water, We had to get creative. My dad came all the way from home and brought baby wipes (which we could have sold for $20 bucks a package by the end of this event), some fresh fruit, water bottles and some gallon jugs of water. So, we sat in the un air conditioned dorms until it got dark, and since we had no light, we went to sleep. I must say, living creatively as we were will bond you to a person for a lifetime. At one point, we were so desperate for a shower, we took turns standing in the shower with the other person on the other side of the curtain and dumping some of those precious water jugs over the top onto the other person (one of us may or may not have accidently dropped a jug on the other person's head). We weathered the storm and we attempted to finish the year and put all that behind us, but that just started the ball rolling. As the year progressed, I sensed that this was not the place for me. A rule infraction here, a demerit there... it all started to add up. But I had no idea where else I could go that I could afford. I also did not want to go too far away from my family. I seemed out of options... Then, one night, I called a friend from high school. She sounded like she was loving her college experience far more than I was. She sounded happy, she sounded busy, she sounded free. A tiny thought started growing in the back of my mind...I could go there, I could enjoy college...I can't afford it. End of thoughts. When the school year was coming to a close, I got the news I needed from the financial aid office at Clearwater Christian College...I could go. It would take a loan or two, work-study program, a little help from mom and dad, and a couple of academic scholarships that I would have to keep up. That was all I needed to hear. I packed up and said goodbye to the Freshman year chapter of my life and prepared to take on this new adventure. All that to say, where I started in college and where I ended were two different places but I have to say that my freshman year was not without some precious memories and learning experiences. I got a whole year with one of my dearest friends that I would have had otherwise. We made some awesome memories and had some real fun. I also learned a lot of patience. I am a rule follower and a people pleaser, and some of the rules I had to deal with during my freshman year were not what I would call my favorite. However, I got through it, with fewer than 100 demerits, and it taught me that even if I don't agree with my authority figures, I may have to do what I need to do in order to show them respect. It was a tough pill to swallow, but it happened and I am a better person for it. However, if my experience during my freshman year had been better, I probably never would have left. I never would have come to CCC. I never would have made the excellent friendships I made there and I never would have met my husband. It took a hurricane to shake my world up and bring me to the point of realizing that I was not happy where I was and I wanted to move on. That move took me to CCC... which is where the story will pick up next time. XOXO-- Amy