Tree Tops

Thanksgiving break this year came quicker than I was expecting. I am sure there are a couple reasons for the whirlwind feeling that accompanied Thanksgiving this year, but that's a story for another post. Before Thanksgiving could begin, my fellow teachers and I had professional development prior to everyone scurrying away to wherever their holiday plans would be taking them. This year, rather than sit and listen to seminars, our leadership team chose for us to do team building. I have loved all the team building events that we have done before (bowling, laser tag) but this year I was scared to death when our administrator announced we would be doing a tree/ropes course (as in, you are up in the trees, hanging by ropes and completing obstacles). For most, this sounds like a fun day outside, but for me (the girl who has to have her husband get the Christmas tree out of the attic because I CANNOT stand to climb that ladder without my legs turning to mush) it was a terrifying thought. Well, we arrived at the tree course and at first glance, it didn't look too bad (I discovered later that I was looking at the training course when I made my "not too bad" assessment). Well, they strapped us into harnesses and led us to a "training video." In the video, they explained some of what we would be doing and I thought to myself, "There is no way." However, I pulled up my harness, so to speak, and tried out the training course. The training course was probably no more than 8 feet off the ground, yet as I tested out my "skills", I already found myself weak in the knees. This was going to take all my mental fortitude to complete. Once we completed the safety course, the little training girl told me and two others, "Ok, off you go to course 1." We obediently headed towards the first level and looked around us. There seemed to be no one watching us or telling us what to do. Out of desperation, I nominated another person to brave the course before I started my climb. There was no way I was going to be first. I watched her till her had reached the first platform (which was probably only about 15-20 feet off the ground). I grabbed the carabiners off my harness and clipped onto the ladder...there was no going back now. Climb, climb, clip, clip...all the way to the top. "Ok", I told myself, "We are up the ladder and that wasn't so bad." That's when I saw my first obstacle, a suspension bridge of plank boards. It was as though someone had tape recorded my worst nightmares and then created a course to match. SLOWLY, I edged my way onto the planks. "Ok, not so bad", I told myself. By this time, the rest of our little group that had completed basic training (about 10 of my coworkers) had reached the ladder and were making their way into the course. One by one I completed the various parts of the course and finally, I reached the end of course one. However, in order to complete course one and get to solid ground, I had to ride a zip line and then go down another ladder. When I got to the zip line "jump off point", I opened by memory banks and tried to remember all the steps of clipping into the zip line. When, finally, I felt I had it totally right (and after tugging on my harness and the carabiners about 1,000 times to make sure they would REALLY hold me) I pushed off the platform and went sailing along---yelling "Oh, I hate this....Oh this is bad" (I can only imagine how funny that must have looked). When I got to the end of course one and back on the ground, it was time to move to level 2 (there were 5 levels to tackle that day). This was when the "guide" who was helping us found me. "You are going to do course 2 today, Amy!" I wanted to say, "I don't think I can." But I only managed a small grunt. Everyone else had survived level one so I figured I may as well keep going. So, once again, I found a way NOT to be first up the ladder. This course was twice as challenging as the first was. I remember at one point looking down at my guide and asking, "Have these harnesses been tested for weight limits?" He laughed at me and made some kind of joke (which I did not find funny as I was clinging to the ropes with all my strength). It was at this point that the guide became an invaluable source of knowledge. We came to a rope bridge that was made up of a bridge that was twisted up kind of like a strand of DNA. The guide would stand below and yell directions as to how to cross the obstacle. Without those tips, I would have been a goner for sure. Sure enough, when I followed his advice, I was able to cross with speed (which I was happy about). I never looked behind me, but from the giggles and screams and occasional "Ah, I can't do this"...I knew which obstacles my coworkers had arrived at. We reached the mid-point of course 2 with a big barrel that we had to find a way to climb through (in mid-air). I had visions in my body of getting stuck in there, Winnie-the-Pooh-style, but somehow I got in and out of that thing. Much to my surprise, I was able to complete level two, with the help of my guide and my coworkers cheering me on. I was feeling pretty amazed that level two was behind me. Then, I looked at level three and started to wonder if I could finish. But, by this point, I was determined. I climbed the ladder to the top of level three. Phew...this one was higher for sure. I was feeling pretty confident until I got to these swinging ropes of death...it was at that point, I knew, I had reached the end of my time on the ropes course. I yelled for a guide to come save me, and my time was finished. Since I had tapped out on level three, and there were five levels, I meandered my way to the "observation area" to watch everyone else who did not chicken out finish the course. It was a beautiful day and I got to watch some pretty funny stunts up there in the trees. It also gave me time to think. Below are my "take-aways" from my day on the ropes 1. No one can walk the ropes for you and no one can put the harness on for you. Its a lot like life. I HAD to put on the harness--coworkers, pastors, parents, friends--they cannot do it for you. Faith is something YOU have to choose to put on (no one can choose for you...you have to accept the free gift) There are no works involved...the harness does the work...just like faith. You put your full faith in Christ, nothing in yourself. Once I had the harness on, it was off to the ropes. I found that the obstacles I found challenging, others found easy. The ones I thought were "fun" (there really were some that were fun), others found scary or hard. So it is in life. I walk ropes others have walked before and find them to be much harder than I imagined they could be. 2. This life is harder alone. While I was up there, I probably would have quit much quicker had I not had friends in front of me yelling back words of wisdom on how to cross a certain bridge or avoid a painful mistake on the ropes. I also moved with speed because I knew there were people behind me and I did not want to be a hindrance to their progress either. I know for sure there are people that God has allowed into my life so those pivotal moments when I need someone to yell that encouragement to me. I also have people watching me...that's a weighty responsibility. 3. We are not left to do life without a "guide". When I was tackling one particular bridge (it was made of logs, suspended by ropes but not connected to each other...so in other words, it was like crossing a set of swings on a playground...everything was swinging while you tried to cross it) the guide was yelling a very specific direction. "Put one put in the middle of one log and keep it there while you swing the other leg to the next log and then repeat that process." When I listened to him, I had a relatively easy time crossing. Boy, when I quit listening (mostly out of sheer panic), it was really hard. Believers have a guide...the WORD! How many times do I rush out of the house without consulting it. A ropes course in the middle of a forest is nothing compared to this life. I had really keen ears to listen to my guide on the tree course...but how many times do I ignore my guide in my LIFE course? By the time I was home (and taking Tylenol for my aching muscles), I found myself feeling so very thankful for that experience. Not only had we avoided sitting inside all day in a meeting, but I had conquered major fears and had a lot of fun. I had gotten to know coworkers in a whole new way and I had learned some new lessons about myself. Now, I don't think you will see me making this into a weekend hobby, but I can say I will be back to try it again...someday.

I am the one in four

I have never been much good at math. I cried my way through algebra in high school and had a tutor for geometry. It's never been my strong suit. But some numbers in my life are unforgettable, even if the math does not add up. One in four...I have been the one in four 3 out of 4 times. I am not sure how that math works out but none the less, those are my numbers. 

       October is infant and pregnancy loss awareness month. I have four children but people only see one. I know all four of them in my heart but I only know one by sight...my miracle and my rainbow baby, Joel! The reason why this month matters in my mind is because it is high time we moms are allowed to talk openly about these babies that went from us to heaven with no layover here on earth. It's too hard to keep those conversations inside and only think of those babies when no one else is around, cry when no one is looking, or comfort a new mom that joined this unfortunate club when no one will know what we are saying. 

        Joel is what people call a rainbow baby. I have never really called him that. The rainbow was God's promise that He would never again destroy the whole earth by flood. God didn't promise that nothing hard would ever happen to Noah again. BUT I have to think that whenever Noah saw that rainbow, he knew God would keep His word and that He could be trusted. When I look at Joel, I don't tell myself "well, we will never experience that kind of pain again because now we have our rainbow." Wrong! In fact, we miscarried almost a year after Joel. When I look at Joel, I can't help but smile and think of the deep, dark valley that God walked us through and once we reached the other side, we were not immune from grief but rather ready to face it and more ready to embrace joy. We have daily joys with Joel that I think is multiplied by four due to all we have lost. We take four times the pictures, read four times the bed time stories, watch four times the Winnie the Pooh, and steal four times the kisses.

       I don't know why a statistic like one in four has to exist except the curse of sin. Until I felt that pain of pregnancy and miscarriage and stillbirth, I didn't really understand grief fully (and I am not saying I have it under control by any means...I STILL have hard days). The first days after a loss, grief was literally like an elephant sitting on my chest. I felt like I could not breathe. I could hardly say my babies names let alone hold a conversation about them without a breakdown. As time progresses, it becomes more like an unpleasant guest that rings the doorbell just when you are your most relaxed. It never strikes when you think it will. It comes and goes and comes and goes.  Sometimes I can utter their names or talk about them with little to no emotion and other times my voice quakes a little. I sometimes feel regret, even today, that sweet baby number one and baby number four never got names because they left us so early (8 weeks and 7 weeks) but Hannah did. Grief is like that, isn't it?? Sometimes I wonder, once they arrived Home, if Jesus didn't welcome them and they instantly knew their name (the name He chose). I can only imagine that any name Jesus chose for them had to be infinitely more perfect than what I would have chosen had God seen fit to let them stay with us.

        Why do I tell you this? Why should you care? Because we walk among you. If we are one in four, then chances are you know a woman who is grieving during this month. She maybe told NO ONE else but her husband and they struggle along, alone, afraid that people will not understand why they grieve.  I am not implying that this should be your first question when making a new friend. I am just pleading for us to exercise kindness and patience with those who mourn.

       As for me and my house and the story that is our life, God has written these chapters for us and He has figured out the statistics on our family. The most wonderful part...He knows the final numbers. We have prayed for an increase but only He knows how and when that will happen. He has placed new burdens on our heart, especially as it relates to adoption. So for now, the little earthly family

Of three is simply that...three. In the heavenly family photo album...we are six (and perhaps even more). I cannot wait to see that picture as a whole one day!

Guilt and Graham Crackers

I have been back in the classroom for two whole weeks now with students, three weeks in total. So, needless to say, I am up to my eyeballs in papers to grade, lesson plans to write, resources to create and several other tasks to tackle. Additionally, I still have a house to keep, meals to cook, dishes to wash (more than normal because my dishwasher decided to give up and die), and laundry to manage. On Thursday night, little man had a very rough night. He went down for his usual bedtime and I thought all was well. After only about 30 minutes, he was up and crying. In frustration, I went into his room and tried my normal method, telling him all was well, kissing him, and leaving him to sleep. But, tonight, none of that was working. So, with a heavy sigh, I picked him up. I took him to his old glider chair and I held him, rocked him, and kissed his little head. With each rock of the chair, my mind raced. Rock rock...I have a stack of essays to grade before tomorrow. Rock rock..those dishes won't wash themselves. Rock rock...no one has any clean underwear in this house. Then, as I rocked, it struck me again. Someday, and soon, I won't be able to hold this little man in my arms any more because he will be big and he won't want to be rocked. Someday soon I will want those moments and I won't be able to have them back. There will be lots of time when he is 5 or 15 or in college for me to keep a spotless home, free of graham cracker crumbs in every corner of the couch, kitchen, and car seats. There will be time, when he is grown and has a home and family of his own, for me to never have piles of laundry or soggy training pants soaking in the bathtub for washing. These days are exhausting and exhilarating. There are times when I feel like I don't exactly know how I made it through my day, but somehow I did. I know it won't always be like this. I also have those moments where I feel guilty for NOT doing more...more training, more teaching, more loving of my little man. Those days when I pick him up at school and discover he threw a toy at his friend or tried to push his teacher I wonder, am I doing this right? But then, I am reminded...all I can do is my best. That's all I can do. The Word reminds me that I must "train up a child in the way he should go." So, right now, what that looks like is reading him at least one verse before he goes to bed each night. Helping him commit one verse to memory each month. Teaching him to have "kind hands" with his friends at school, to say sorry when we wrong someone, and to be obedient to our daddy, mommy, and teachers. Right now, it means I clean up at least five "puddles" per night as we potty train with real underwear at home (because I may have to take out a second mortgage if I have to keep buying pull-ups). So, for right now...we will balance it all. Balancing guilt and graham crackers...and I am ok with that. :) XOXO-- AMY

It took a Hurricane--Final Edition

If you remember, at the start of the summer, I found out about the closing of the college I graduated from. I wanted to write a tribute to the place that I called home for three years of my college experience while also detailing how I arrived at CCC as well. Tonight is the final installment of said story. Tonight's story isn't about buildings or classes or the debts I incurred getting my education. Tonight's story is about people. People were what made Clearwater what it was to me. So, tonight (mostly because I just cannot get to sleep--its teacher training week at work and my mind just refuses to shut down) I want to tell you about several people and how God used Clearwater to bring them into my life. Linny: The way I met Linny is one of my favorite stories. It was a Sunday morning. Almost everyone on campus had already left to get to church. Being that I was one of the lucky few to have my own car, I was planning to drive myself to the church I was going to visit that week (since I had yet to pick one, officially). Before walking out the door, a girl from a neighboring unit came over. "Hey, so I was wondering if you could do me a favor," She asked. How bad could this really be, I thought to myself. "Ok, sure, what is it?" I offered back. "Well, see, everyone in my unit has already left for church and one of the girls in my unit has this toe that is infected. I don't know, but I think she needs to go to a walk-in clinic. No one else with a car is still here. Could you take her?". Now, being more reclusive that an old cave-dwelling hermit, the idea of taking a complete stranger in my car, for an undetermined amount of time, and being obligated to fill that time with small talk, shook me to my core. However, I am also a chronic people-pleaser.... so naturally, I said yes. Thank the Lord I did. It was on that day, driving a total stranger to a walk-in clinic, for an infected toe (most random injury of the year award goes to....) brought me one of my dearest friend. As an added bonus, it also introduced me to her sister who also became a dear friend. Lin and Julie were in my wedding. We were roommates from the next year and every year till graduation. When I got married and lived in town, they came over on a weekly basis for "family dinner" (which was always spaghetti because it was easy and also cheap... ha ha). When they moved back home after graduation, they called when their family came to Florida for vacation and I came for the day to catch up. They were among the first people to know that Joel was going to be born. They spent countless hours shopping, coffee drinking, laughing, secret Christmas party throwing, birthday surprising and the list goes on and on. What great friends from such a weird story. Julie: One of my favorite memories with Julie was the time we decided to dye her hair. This was not an uncommon practice in the dorms, in fact most of the desk chairs in the dorms bore the tell-tale marks of hair dye drips down the backs of them. For whatever reasons, we convinced Julie to trade her totally perfect blonde hair for a new shade. The problem was, none of us were really very good at dying hair to begin with. In the end, Julie spent a day or so with nearly pink hair. I felt so bad. She cried. I took her out to coffee to try and dull the pain. In the end, we asked a professional and she suggested stripping the hair, but warned us that it would be very damaging to the hair. Cue insane practical joke/payback. I went to my R.A's apartment to talk with her about something and Lin came to get me. When we started walking back to the unit, Lin told me that Julie's hair had started to fall out in clumps and she was crying hysterically. I fell apart. I just knew she would never speak to me again! How happy I was to find that she still had all her hair, but it was restored (albeit with a little bit more of a reddish hue to it) to its former glory. Never again became my motto when it came to hair color after that. Ryan: Of all my college stories, this one is the most insane and yet it is my favorite one to tell. I first met Ryan in Bible class. Being an "Arnold" at that time, my seat was at the front of the class, first row, in fact. Ryan, being a "Withee" was all the way at the back. My first recollections were that he was the loud, opinionated boy that sat in the back... and that would have been the end of it, except that one of my friends was going to be attending the Christmas formal with him... so our paths began to cross more frequently as they hung out from time to time. While all of that was happening, I had officially discovered that my very first dating relationship had ended. He and I had met when we were in high school and were very good friends. But, since I was not permitted to date till I was in college, no real attachment formed prior to that. So when I started college, we officially started "dating." We had dated during my freshman year, but most of that relationship took place long distance as he had been deployed to Iraq. When I started at CCC, the relationship was pretty much on its last leg anyways. After a few painful phone calls, I was once again alone. Since I had never dated before that ONE relationship, I was pretty unsure of how the whole ritual was supposed to go anyway. Well, my friends decided that I really should not go to the Christmas banquet alone. They decided to set me up with someone. So, a few weeks before the banquet was to take place, I found myself on my very first "first time" date. He picked me up and took me out for dinner so we could get to know each other and decide, I guess, if going to the banquet together was going to be fun or straight up torture. That first dinner was enough to clue me in that this guy was a strange one. Over pizza, he wanted to know when I thought I would want to get married, how many kids I would like to have, if I thought social drinking was acceptable (cue foreshadowing music and lighting since that's what he found himself "politely asked not to return to CCC" for)and my life story... over pizza (I do have to say, it was REALLY good pizza... which ought to tell you that the pizza was the only highlight of that date because I really don't remember much else except that I was really glad the date was over by the time we drove back to campus). However, I was stuck at this point because I had already said I would go to the banquet with him... and being a chronic people pleaser, I felt like it would be rude to not go with him now. So, the plans were finalized. I would go with "Pizza boy" and my friend would be going with Ryan and a fun time would be had by all--except probably not me and "pizza boy." The only snag in the events of the evening would be after the banquet was over because the "unwritten laws" of Clearwater demand that after the Banquet everyone MUST stay dressed up in their fancy attire and go bowling, or white water rafting, or laser tagging, or out for coffee or SOMETHING to prolong the fun and make it seem worth it getting all spiffed up. After the banquet was over, everyone in our group would be going out for coffee, but my date, had gotten himself in trouble and was campused (basically grounded). Long story short... at the end of the banquet, my friend and I traded dates. Like a trooper, she stayed behind with grounded boy and I went out with Ryan (with Linny acting as our official chaperone as we were not old enough to date "alone" off campus yet). The rest, as they say, is history. Eventually, "pizza boy" left CCC and Ryan and I continued to date and eventually get engaged and here we are... married for seven years. CCC was more than buildings, as I said. It was more than the life lessons I learned in the classrooms and in the dorms. It was more than the work-study program. It was more than the endless coffees I made in the café or the cheese I scraped out of the nacho machine at the end of a work night. It was so much more than all of that. It was the people. It was the friends and life long bonds I created while I was there. Many of those bonds continue to this day. When I turned 27, my parents and hubby wanted to do something BIG for that birthday (it was my golden birthday because I turned 27 on the 27th). You know who they flew in for it? Yeah, Lin and Julie!!! A full five years after I had graduated and left CCC. I think, in a way, that's why the legacy of that place won't die. It does on with us. We still text and call. We still know when the other ones are having a struggle. I know I have prayed for them when I knew they were going through a storm in life. THAT... those relationships and bonds....THAT is CCC. It keeps going on as long as we carry on with loving and caring for the family we met there. Boy, I am so thankful God sent that hurricane to Pensacola at that EXACT time. It made me uncomfortable. It shook up my world and my plans. It brought me to something bigger and better. It took a hurricane to get me to CCC... and I am so thankful.

Open Letter

Dear Little Boy, I have actually fought with myself over this letter to you. Should I write it? Who would be offended? Who would it bother? I fought with myself for at least three days. I mean, I don't know you, you are not in my family, and I won't ever meet you until the day I die and enter heaven. But I felt it needed to be written. Then today, I couldn't fight it anymore. I was tending to my day, just like any other Saturday. But, on my way to the store, I saw the straw that broke the camel's back. There were the protesters where they are almost every Saturday. They were gathered in front of the clinic that murders babies just like you. This time though, they were trying to talk to a woman who was leaving that place of death. But, by looking at her face and the sadness etched in it, I knew it was too late to save her baby. I was hoping she would take their information, because I know for a fact she will wish she had never made that choice but she may need help to cope with the path she now finds herself on. I am not ignorant. I know abortion exists. I teach history. Roe v. Wade is a case I cover every year when we finally make it into the "modern" part of Modern American History. I also know it existed long before that "big" case. However, I never put a face to it, until I watched the video that introduced you to the world. I had to force myself to watch it. I have never aborted a baby. I believe it is murder. I had a different reason for not wanting to watch it. I begged God for babies. I have been pregnant four times... but I have only held two of my babies and only brought one baby home to stay. I did not wish that on myself. I would not wish it on the most hated of enemies. But, given my history of loss, I hope you understand why I did not watch it sooner. I couldn't do it. It made me angry. Every time they talked about you I wanted to scream at the screen "I want that little boy...I would take him. Please don't kill any more of them... send them to me." But, I made myself watch it. And I wept. I wept tears for all I have lost. I wept for all the other nameless babies who had been killed. I even wept for your mother, whoever she is. I can imagine that in the future she will feel agony every time the day you were due passes by. Another year without you. I know I still get sad when I see a little girl who is as old as my Hannah would have been by now. I still stay home on her birthday. Most of all, I wept for you. You didn't get a name and you didn't get a family. Rather, the world met you because someone murdered you and then callously sold you. Yet, the butcher who took your life and your organs took the time to tell the world, "it's another little boy". Its a phrase that should have been uttered with joy while you exercised your voice for the first time in this new world you would have found yourself in. It should have been uttered to the couple who could never have children of their own but would have been getting you because you were going to be adopted. Now, I know you were a human soul long before the world met you. You were a human soul before your mommy knew you existed. God knit you together. Its because of this sin cursed world that I have to write this letter to you. Evil did this to you. I also know that even though you likely felt pain when you were taken from your mother's body...I rest in knowing that you will never again feel pain because you are at home with God. You are safe and there you are loved. I do want you to know, however, that while your mom may not have wanted you or loved you... this mommy would have taken you in a heart beat. I have held in my very hands the little lives of my own babies that are in heaven with you. And what those murderers called "tissues" and "products", I called "my sweet baby" and wept when they were gone. While in my heart I blamed myself for their loss, in my head, I knew there was nothing I could have done differently. God is sovereign. He took my babies home... maybe to spare them a life of pain. But whatever the reason, I am thankful I got to carry them until He called them. Know this, little boy, many mourned you when your story hit the airwaves. We also mourned the millions of others, just like you, who never got the chance to know a mother's kiss, a daddy's hug, a first birthday cake, or milestones that make up this earthly life. I also want you to know, sweet boy, that this genocide against babies like you has to stop. This mommy's heart can't watch any more of those videos. I can't. The only way that will stop is if the murder of babies like you stops. I will do my part. I promise you. I am happy you get to enjoy heaven. I am sure my babies have already introduced themselves to you (their daddy is very outgoing so I am sure they are quick to meet new arrivals like yourself). We will meet someday. When we do, I will have you to thank for helping me see what's right in a world that has gone crazy with wrong.

Vacation Ends--Reflections

Well our last two days of vacation were an absolute blur. We started our 4th day back at the Magic Kingdom, hitting all the highlights (teacups, Winnie the Pooh--more than once, twice, three times). We spent most of the morning there and then went home and let Joel take a longer than normal nap because we were going to take the plunge and let him see his very first fireworks show! It did not disappoint. There were a few moments during the show where the noises startled him a little bit, but for the most part, he really enjoyed it. Then, since the park crowds really slimmed down, we hit all our favorite rides with unbridled energy. If it was open, we went for a spin. We even went on the Jungle Cruise, in the dark (which even mommy found a little creepy in the dark). Joel was a trooper through the whole thing, passed out on the bus trip back to the hotel and slept all through the night with no issues. On our last day, we went to Hollywood Studios, which I really did not think would have much to keep us there, but when we left I was kind of sad because it was such a fun place, even for Joel. We started the day by RUSHING as fast as our legs could carry us to the Toy Story Midway Mania game, which is a blast. When we took our first ride, the wait time was 10 minutes. So, we decided once we got off the ride we would try to go through it one more time before the lines got too long... the wait was already at 50 minutes!! BUT, as luck would have it, right across the way, Woody and Buzz had just arrived at the picture spot, so we hustled right over there for some pictures with them. Next, we went to the Disney Junior live show, which Joel loved. There were dancing puppets, bubbles that rained from the roof, fake snow, and gold doubloons (gold paper cut into circles... but Joel loved it) and even confetti at the very end of the show. Finally, we went deep into the park to find Mike and Sullivan from Monsters Inc. We snagged a picture with them and before we knew it, it was time to go and make the trip home. I know wishes don't come true and I know magic isn't real. However, as I stood in the middle of that mass of humanity watching the "wishes" fireworks show, I could not help but smile so big I thought my face would crack. I also shed a tear or two. There were a lot of emotions racing through my mind as I watched those beautiful fireworks. First, my baby is not a baby anymore. He is two. He says words, he runs, he eats food like I do, and he (thankfully) sleeps all night long like a real person does. He has opinions (and he voices them loudly). He has things he loves and things he hates. He is not a baby. Yet, as I held him in the moments when the sounds were a little overwhelming for him, I was reminded once again of all the times I would be doing something fun or celebratory and wishing there was a little person in my life to share it with and to watch experience things for the very first time. I paused for the 17,000 time to be thankful that God saw fit to answer the cry of my heart and fill our home with this firecracker of a little boy. Second, I am so glad that we got this chance to get away from work and potty training and summer cleaning projects and just be us, the three of us. Everyone needs that time to unplug from all the responsibility and hustle and bustle that is life and just relax for a little while. Third, every time Joel learns something new or experiences something for the first time, there is just this bubbling of joy and happiness that comes over me...I cannot explain it, but I love it. Watching him genuinely love something or enjoy something makes me happy. One of my favorite moments of the whole trip was watching Joel and Ryan ride the tea cups...I got to watch their expressions as they spun around and around (all the while thankful I was not on that thing). What sweet looks on their faces!! Something I can treasure when we are in the middle of the most hectic parts of the school year. I am blessed... no other words can describe it. Blessed, blessed, blessed.

My all time favorite picture of vacation

Kisses for joel

Late night ride

Fireworks selfie

Spinning teacups

That cute little boy face!!!

Another favorite

Taking a ride on the Dumbo ride

Vacation day 3

We got to Animal Kingdom today bright and early. We headed straight for the Kilomanjaro Safaris. We knew it would be great but we had no idea how great it would be...Joel loved all of it. In fact we loved it so much we made a plan to come back later in the afternoon (in hopes that a lion would be awake).

Joel's beloved "happos".... He knew exactly what they were even though they were so far underwater.

The baby giraffes just about made me want to cry. They were between three and five months old and they were just so cute!!!

When we went back later for a second trip...the lion was finally visible but sadly Joel was fast asleep!!

Joel loves this exhibit because he can get right up next to the fish. He just kept yelling "feeshes"!!
Playing the drums in Africa 

Time for a banana break at Starbucks!!

We decided to see how Joel would handle a show. We went to the Festival of the Lion King. It was great. There were acrobats and music and animatronic animals. Joel was mesmerized. It was also a great way to escape the heat and the rain as well.

On our late afternoon return trip to safari poor Joel just could not stay up. So we enjoyed the animals while he rested up.

Vacation day 2

Today we made the trip to magic kingdom! We had a very nice but very rainy morning there. We arrived before the park opened and got a bonus of seeing Mickey up close. I highly recommend getting to the park when it opens because we walked right on to several rides with no waits at all. We rode the spinning tea cups (mommy has officially sworn off that ride forever....too much spinning for me)

Waiting for the rope to drop to open the park. 

Riding the magic carpets....this was his first ride ever at Disney when he was still just a little guy. He loved working the lever that made us fly higher and higher 

The sword in the stone....we gave it our best shot to pull it out of the stone...no luck 

Mickeys philharmagic....so much fun we did it twice. Once Joel figured out that the glasses made the movie better he was very much interested 

We had such a nice day. We really are so thankful to have time together to have fun being together as a family and watching Joel enjoy life. Ryan works so very hard that it makes me smile that for his vacation he chose Disney (because let's face it...it's a lot of work for mom and dad to tackle this place). I go to bed tonight thankful for all I have...but even more thankful for the people that have my heart!!

See you tomorrow 

xOXo

Amy

Vacation day 1

Our first stop today was Epcot. We had a nice (although hot) time. J is getting more and more into meeting the characters but never without a good solid death grip on me or Ryan. He is deep in the throes of wanting freedom...so there were a few moments where we had to discuss WHY it is so important to hold hands!!

We stopped after a few minutes at the park for the Coke around the world kiosk. On a hot day the free samples of goodness from Thailand and South Africa cannot be resisted. Even J had a sample or two. Joy of joys, the coffee shop had coconut mocha frappes so we enjoyed one of those as well. J saw a banana (bananut as he calls them) at the coffee shop so we munched for a few minutes before hitting the next ride.

We decided to get a fast pass for "spaceship" earth ( and aside from the so called cavemen at the start of the story, it was an interesting little trip. At the end, they show you your home in the future. Here is mom and J in their home of the future (sadly daddy is not pictured because he was holding J). 

Until tomorrow 

Xoxo

Amy 

Now We Are Two

Dear Joel, Tomorrow morning, in the middle of your very first swimming lesson, you will be turning two. I cannot believe we have had you to hold and snuggle and kiss for two whole years. Mommy loves you so very much. When I think of how quickly your little life is flying by it makes me sad. However, every time you learn something new it makes me so happy and laugh so hard that I can hardly wait to see what you are going to do next. I will never, ever, ever forget the day you were born and the sweetest sound I ever heard when they said, "He is here and he is perfect" and then I heard your little tiny voice (making very loud noises) for the first time and I knew then, I had never felt so tired and blessed and overwhelmed with love and emotion before. They put you on my chest and I kissed your perfect little head and I breathed a sigh that only a mommy understands and praised our great God that He had created you just for us! Our miracle, our little boy, our answer to prayer, our restoration of the years the locusts had eaten (reason for your name found in Joel 2:25), our Joel! Even though you are a "big boy" (at least that's what we tell you every time we successfully get you to use the potty), mommy still sneaks into your room once you are asleep to look at your sweet little sleeping face because in that moment, you are still my little baby. I still go in and remove at least 15 stuffed animals from off your face because you simply cannot sleep without Pooh, Piglet, Tigger, Eeyore, one dog, three monsters, and an assortment of loveys and taggies. I still keep the baby monitor on in my room because I love to hear the little sleeping sounds you make. I love that when you wake up in the morning you start with a really sweet and quiet "Mom" that grows in volume till I come get you. I love that you sometimes greet me with a "Hi" when I come in your room or you lift one of your beloved stuffed friends for me to say "Hi" to before we leave your bed. I love that you say "eat" almost immediately upon waking up (something you will doubtless do, even when you no longer live in our house and you have a wife of your own. I sure she will think its cute too). I love that you love pancakes and that you smell sweet like syrup after breakfast every time, without fail because you always drip some of that sticky goodness on your jammies. I love that you have adorable ways of saying everything. You say "peash" for please and whenever you say "bye bye" you also tell the person to "hab pun" (have fun). I LOVE that you scream "bush" anytime you see (or hear) a bus (which includes busses, trash trucks, motorcycles and any other loud vehicle). I love how you say "air pain" for airplane and "cacker" for cracker. I love that you can make every little old lady in Publix ohhhh and ahhhhh over you and your sweet antics. I love how you jump and then CLIMB the back of the couch when you hear daddy come home... the only other person that gets that kind of excitement is the garbage truck (not sure why you love the trash truck so much but that's just another little weird thing about you that I love). I love that you are not afraid to try anything. The kiddie playground... forget about it... you went right for the big leagues (much to my heart's palpitations fearing you would attempt to slide down the fireman pole). Your picky eating habits have me in torments, but mommy has gotten inventive with the word "pizza" and "French fries" in an attempt to get you to eat veggies. We have eaten "veggie fries", "pea fries" and the like. You talk a lot and a lot of the time I have no idea what you are talking about but its fun to listen to you anyways. There are days when you are probably very frustrated with me that I don't understand what you are talking about like the day you cried for a good ten minutes on the way home in the car telling mom that you wanted "pa-pie-nuts" (which mommy and daddy have yet to decode). You run and jump and play hard all day. You have never met a sport you didn't like and mommy may be a little biased but I am thinking you are the next soccer/baseball/basketball star. You love books and music and hopping around like a wild man. You sing and play with all the energy of an atomic bomb and I love that about you. Mommy has probably made many mistakes already in raising you, especially since I did not grow up with any boys in my house, but daddy is always around to remind me...." Remember, mommy, he is a boy and he is two.". It makes me smile and reminds me that you are just doing what boys do... making messes, throwing balls, being loud and smiling for hours. You love to love people and you love to give hugs to daddy and mommy. You still love to snuggle when you feel sleepy and mommy is milking that for all its worth. You know how to work a tablet and a smart phone better than mommy and you have a brain that loves to figure out how things work. Everyday is a new adventure to you and I am loving watching you discover and explore the world around you. From play-doh on the floor to crayons EVERYWHERE, I always have reminders that a busy little boy lives in my house. I am so thankful for those reminders and more importantly, for you! You are my sweet little TWO year old boy and I love you so much! Can't wait to see what you learn and discover in this upcoming year. XOXOXO, MOMMY

It Took a Hurricane (Part 2)

So, how did I come to Clearwater Christian College? That's a long story that involves one very long Freshman year, several pivotal moments, and one nasty hurricane named Ivan. In the fall of 2004, I made my way to a certain Christian College in the panhandle of Florida that will remain nameless because... well, I think by the time I finish this post, you will see why. The school year started much like it would for any college freshman... there were the nervous butterflies about meeting your roommates for the first time, the slight fear about really being "on your own" for the first time and the like. I remember when my parents dropped me off and I made my way to my 4th floor dorm room, I cried in the elevator on my way up because it was just a really big unknown. I had just gotten settled into a routine, class schedule, a lunch table to eat at that was not super awkward, how to get my hose on and run to classes without being late when I overslept.... and it happened. They called a special assembly to let us know that a hurricane was headed for the campus and we needed to prepare. I will spare you all the details but the long story short was, we were told to brush our teeth, get a shower, and take care of "business" one more time before we were to be evacuated to shelters ON CAMPUS because there was no way of knowing when we would have the chance to do those type of things again (if the power went out or if we had flooding or major damage). Now, one would think that the students would be sent to homes of families that were part of the campus church, or students who lived within 6-8 hours could go home and take a roommate or two with them. But, that was not the case. We were going to shelter in place. As we were being moved from our dorm building to the "shelter", I looked to the sky and remember thinking what an eerie, threatening sky it was. Being from Wyoming originally, I had seen plenty of scary skies, but those were hail storms or tornadoes and I knew how to cope with those storms. A hurricane was a totally new event for me and I was afraid. I remember one moment of that night as I lay asleep on the floor, where I wondered if we were really safe and sound. But, I slept on. We were given the firm assurance that the campus was safe as a shelter. (It did not prove to be so. For me and my dorm mates, the storm passed over us without incident but for the men, their first choice of shelter--a classroom--flooded and they were sent on to the sports arena. For another group of men staying in the field house the AC unit later crashed through the roof and onto the floor where the men had been sleeping prior to being moved). When we woke the next morning, we were not given the all clear right way. Lunch boxes were delivered and we stayed in and attempted to keep from going stir crazy. Several of us may have started up a friendly game of indoor hockey with the "pucks" that were supposed to be our turkey bagels (there were frozen solid). Finally, the time came where we were permitted to leave the shelter and see what Ivan had done to the campus. It wasn't pretty. Windows broken, trees everywhere, screening from pools and windows strewn all about. There was no power and there was no running water. We were stuck here... there was no place to go. I had an agonizing decision to make. The school had decided that we could go home IF we had parents who could come get us, take us home, and have us back as soon as classes could resume (which was several days). However, my closest friend on campus was not a native of Florida. She came from North Dakota. I just didn't see how I could go home and leave her here miles and miles from anyone she knew. So, we stayed. Since we had no power, no AC, and no running water, We had to get creative. My dad came all the way from home and brought baby wipes (which we could have sold for $20 bucks a package by the end of this event), some fresh fruit, water bottles and some gallon jugs of water. So, we sat in the un air conditioned dorms until it got dark, and since we had no light, we went to sleep. I must say, living creatively as we were will bond you to a person for a lifetime. At one point, we were so desperate for a shower, we took turns standing in the shower with the other person on the other side of the curtain and dumping some of those precious water jugs over the top onto the other person (one of us may or may not have accidently dropped a jug on the other person's head). We weathered the storm and we attempted to finish the year and put all that behind us, but that just started the ball rolling. As the year progressed, I sensed that this was not the place for me. A rule infraction here, a demerit there... it all started to add up. But I had no idea where else I could go that I could afford. I also did not want to go too far away from my family. I seemed out of options... Then, one night, I called a friend from high school. She sounded like she was loving her college experience far more than I was. She sounded happy, she sounded busy, she sounded free. A tiny thought started growing in the back of my mind...I could go there, I could enjoy college...I can't afford it. End of thoughts. When the school year was coming to a close, I got the news I needed from the financial aid office at Clearwater Christian College...I could go. It would take a loan or two, work-study program, a little help from mom and dad, and a couple of academic scholarships that I would have to keep up. That was all I needed to hear. I packed up and said goodbye to the Freshman year chapter of my life and prepared to take on this new adventure. All that to say, where I started in college and where I ended were two different places but I have to say that my freshman year was not without some precious memories and learning experiences. I got a whole year with one of my dearest friends that I would have had otherwise. We made some awesome memories and had some real fun. I also learned a lot of patience. I am a rule follower and a people pleaser, and some of the rules I had to deal with during my freshman year were not what I would call my favorite. However, I got through it, with fewer than 100 demerits, and it taught me that even if I don't agree with my authority figures, I may have to do what I need to do in order to show them respect. It was a tough pill to swallow, but it happened and I am a better person for it. However, if my experience during my freshman year had been better, I probably never would have left. I never would have come to CCC. I never would have made the excellent friendships I made there and I never would have met my husband. It took a hurricane to shake my world up and bring me to the point of realizing that I was not happy where I was and I wanted to move on. That move took me to CCC... which is where the story will pick up next time. XOXO-- Amy

It Took a Hurricane (part 1)

This is going to be a series of posts for a couple of reasons. First, I will never be able to put all my thoughts or memories for this certain topic in one, coherent post. Second, I feel each of these parts deserves their own post. On Friday, I got word that my college was closing its doors. I was honestly very surprised by the amount of sadness that I felt over the school closing. I drove over to the school that very afternoon to get one last look at a place I loved so very much. There was a palpable sense of something coming to an end, and yet there was still such a sense of pride knowing that I got to be one of the privileged group who got to call this place home. I cried as I left the campus because I felt a little sorry for all the people who will never get to know that feeling of coming home to Clearwater. I stopped and took a picture of two (one of the notorious "white benches" where the love struck would sit and would be mocked by all... until I became love struck and occupied one of those very benches with my now husband). I got a picture of my residence hall and the café where I worked for two years. I took my little guy out and walked him around the campus for a little while. It felt good to see it again. But still, I felt sad. I suppose part of it is the fact that three of the happiest years of my life were spent there. I met my husband of 7 years there. I met some of the greatest friends in the world there (whom I still keep in contact with and love very dearly). Even after I graduated, the school was still very much a part of me. Any time I drove across the Causeway from a visit to Tampa, there was the little green sign informing the world that it was not just a bunch of mangroves and trees on the other side of Damascus Drive, it was a whole little world back there. For such a long time, every t-shirt I owned had a cougar on it and was black, white or maroon. When God took our sweet baby Hannah home to heaven, my former Psychology Professor met with me for counseling that I desperately needed and helped me take huge strides in the grieving process. Most of all, Clearwater was a family... and still is. The posts in future days are going to detail the journey God took me on to 1. Get me to Clearwater and 2. The wonderful memories and experiences He allowed me to have there. In future days, the title of these posts will also become clear. Gotta leave some mystery out there to keep you reading. To speak to the close of the school, there is so much I want to say and I think that writing is a great way to help you grieve. It helps you put those thoughts that have been swirling around into something that you can wrap your mind around and put to rest. I am sad that Clearwater is closing. But Clearwater is so much more than the buildings. Clearwater is the people. It is the professors that were willing to, in a very real way, pour their lives and time and energy into students who sometimes did not realize how much sacrifice that took until they were long gone from the campus. It is the Founder who took vision and made it a reality. It is the leaders who worked behind the scenes to keep the school working, from those in the guard shack to those who swept and mopped. God's work at Clearwater does not end with the close of the school. The vision of Clearwater goes on in each of us who have moved on to the next place God has taken us. When we live lives of testimony and reflect our Savior to this very lost and dark world, THAT is Clearwater. When we carry the Gospel to those who haven't heard, THAT is Clearwater. When we love others as Christ first loved us, THAT is Clearwater. That's what will continue on, long after the campus would have. It matters not why the school closed or when its last days will be. It is insensitive and not necessary to speculate why or put blame on anyone. The closing of CCC did not catch our Heavenly Father by surprise. "For such a time as this" rings in my heart these past few days. God had Clearwater exist for 49 long years to equip students to serve HIM better and it accomplished that for sure. There are CCC grads all over the place doing KINGDOM work! Arguing over why it closed and fuming over it makes no difference. During my days at the school the motto was, "Impact eternity"-- in fact I have a coffee mug, a commencement program and a diploma all stamped with that very concept. That is what matters about Clearwater now... Impact eternity. We can do that by praying for the students who will need to trust the Lord to take them to their next location. We must pray for those wonderful teachers and staff members who are leaning on HIS everlasting arms in a VERY real way in the days and months ahead. We can have impact by doing what we were trained to do at Clearwater. If we are teachers, lets teach with all our might for the Glory of God. If we are engineers, or businessmen or electricians... lets be truth to those who have no idea what that is anymore. If we are homemakers, lets raise the next generation to know right from wrong and stand on God's promises. If we are pastors, let's proclaim the Gospel like never before. THAT'S having impact. 

 See you in the next post XOXO --AMY

We won't be there

He already made a reservation. Every year, about this time, he makes a reservation. It hasn't always been like this, but just like time has a way of settling into a set pattern, we have too. It's almost May. May brings some very hard days, along with some very happy days. There is one weekend on the calendar in May where you won't see us. We won't be in town and we won't be in our pew at church. It's Mother's Day. The first couple of years when we were married, Mother's Day was just another day on the calendar. Then came the "waiting years" when mother's day was painful and I usually cried in the car on the way home. After we lost our first baby, Mother's Day was agonizing. After we lost Hannah...it was unbearable. And my precious Husband refused to let the pain go on. I will never, ever forget the first Mother's Day after Hannah went to heaven. Originally, when we had to plan for her funeral, the director told us he could only do the service on Sunday, which was Mother's Day that year. When I told my mom that, she cried FOR me. Somehow (again, probably my husband stepping in when I was too numb to do so for myself) it got changed to another day. When Mother's Day came, Ryan took us away to a little bungalow on the beach and there we stayed. We cried and we relaxed and most importantly, we had time to process and be together to grieve. By the time the next Mother's Day rolled around, Joel was on his way but by this time, escaping Mother's Day was the plan. So, it is a tradition now. You might say, "Why don't you go to church on Mother's day...now you have reason to celebrate?" For me, Mother's Day still connects with the sting we felt during the years of unexplained infertility, and then the years of loss, and now the years of joy (mixed with more waiting). Now, before you say, "That is so depressing"...let me say that some of my happiest memories have been on these getaways. It serves a purpose. First, it allows Ryan and I time to relax, away from our jobs and our other responsibilities and to focus on US. Second,it allows us to remember the sweet lives that, however short they were, were a part of our family (and still are...we just are separated for now). Third, it allows us to shed the tears we may have, alone and unashamed. Fourth, it is so wonderful to get away and spend time on Joel, watching him experience something new for the first time. I remember this year, on Easter, sitting in the pew at church listening to my Pastor speak about the resurrection. I remember thinking, during that sermon, back to that first Mother's Day after Hannah and thinking..."She's there NOW. Someday I will see her again. Paul was so right when he said so triumphantly in Corinthians 'Oh death, where is thy sting. Oh grave, thy victory'?" To me, Mother's Day reminds me that I have children in two worlds at once. I have three children whom I only knew for short amounts of time and one child here who delights me by the second. Sometimes I wonder if in heaven there will be time for me to know my three already there and to understand in full what God's design was in the short duration of their time on earth. Mother's Day this year holds another meaning too. Yes, I am sad for the babies I loved and lost. Yes, I am beyond thankful and happy for the little man I have to hold here and now. And now, I am looking forward with joy to the prospect of the child/children God has for us to love through the miracle of adoption. Ryan and I have talked about adopting since we were dating, and now, we are ready to take the first initial steps to get the process moving. Am I scared to death of what lies ahead? YES...emphatically YES! Am I beyond excited with the prospect of bringing a child who has no one to love it into a home brimming with love? Yes...emphatically YES! So, dear friend and faithful reader, don't look for me on Mother's Day. Don't feel sad for me on Mother's Day either. While it is a hard day for me, it is a glorious day as well. It's just another day for me to look at my life and say, "My, my , my....look at the imprint of God's grace all over this life I am living! It's not easy...but oh, it is so wonderful." Until next time --AMY

Workin' Mama

Hello Readers, It has been a while. I was intending to post pics and a story about my little man's first haircut but that will have to wait. Tonight I want to encourage a friend or two. Dear, sweet friends that I love. We talked and something you said sparked this post in me. I lived parts of this post already and am daily living other parts and so I want you to know that I have felt what you are feeling.... You will know who you are when you read this... I hope it lifts you up. To the Working Mom, I know how you are feeling tonight. I know how tired you are. I know that you are feeling a million emotions right now. You feel unprepared to face your next day at work because you just have so many details to manage that you just can't get ahead. You feel a little guilty because you let the baby watch a show on the iPad because you needed just ten seconds to yourself so you could go to the bathroom. You are sad because someone else is holding your little squishy love all day long, watching him chatter and play and you are missing it. You feel elated because it is only two more days till Saturday when you can actually breathe and catch up on a few tasks. You feel a little giddy because your husband called and told you he got a sitter so you can go out for dinner (just the two of you) and see a movie (which both of you will fall asleep while watching). You wrestle with yourself because you want to get the dishes done before bed but you also need to get the laundry done because no one in your house has any underwear left. You are feeling exasperated because you thought over the weekend you would be a super mom and make some freezer meals but time got away from you and you now have the fixings for forty meals but only have the time to make two. You worry... you obsess a little bit...and eventually sleep overtakes you and it is morning. In a flurry you find clothes for you, clothes for baby, hunt down the missing whatever it is that hubby can't find (probably because he put it one place, you cleaned, forgot where you put it and now it is missing), get hubby out the door. Then, time to pack your lunch (diet friendly of course because hello... people still ask when the baby is due because you have not lost the baby weight yet. Even worse, you are now getting the "Oh you are already having another one?" question). Time to pack the Baby's lunch (which has to be cut into a zillion little pieces). Grab your purse, his backpack, your lunch, his lunch, a Blankie for the ride, a pacifier (just in case), at least one toy, a cup of water (because your are supposed to drink 6 of those a day and you know you aren't), a coffee because, hello, you have a baby, and the keys (which you lost ten minutes looking for only to discover you did not take them out of the front door from letting yourself in YESTERDAY night). You pause to thank the Lord you were not all murdered in your beds, mumble something about "thank goodness hubby didn't know I did that", check the blinking message on your phone which reads "You have GOT to stop leaving the keys in the door! Love you, Hubby" and then get in the car. Strap baby in and away you go. PHEW.... are you tired? I am... and its only 6:45 A.M. Maybe you are a mommy in waiting and you know that when baby comes, you will have to go back to work. Have no fear mommy-to-be. There are a few things you will worry about that you DO NOT NEED to worry about (but you probably will still do it anyway). 1. Baby will never, ever in a million years forget you while you are at work. That first drop off on his/her first day will be so so so hard. Be brave and do the work God has asked you to do and then, the moment your time at work is over, go get that little treasure, take him/her home, drop EVERYTHING else and cuddle with that little love till your hubby comes home and then share that baby with Daddy for a while. 2. Baby will not get you and his "teacher" confused. You will always and forever be mommy and she will always be his teacher. He will love her... but differently and that is a good thing. You want him/her to love their teacher. It will make your life so much easier when you have to leave them. 3. You won't miss anything is you take a second to sleep, eat or shower. That first week of Baby's life...I rarely left his side. I remember nothing except looking at his face. Be sure to eat, sleep and take care of you when you can. 4. Don't waste ONE second of your maternity leave lamenting the fact that it is only __________many more days till you go back to work. Love every moment and try not to think about when it ends. If you are a Stay-at-Home mom, please know that you have my utmost respect as well. You ARE a working mom. You have the daunting task of making ONE income cover a whole family. That is not easy, and you have to do it while keeping your children, your house, and your life in order. No piece of cake. You have no "break time.". You ALWAYS have someone who needs your attention, who is knocking on the door while you go to the bathroom, and countless other demands on your time. You are cook, daycare provider, nurse, laundress, event planner, organizer, gardener, recycler, and a thousand other job descriptions. You have a skill set that no workplace can match. You speak "toddler" fluently (which is an amazing feat of understanding). You can remove any stain. You can hear mischief from at least two rooms away. You are one of the world's hardest workers and the thing is, YOU NEVER LEAVE WORK.... where you go, work goes (cute little bundles of work, but still) At day's end, regardless of what category of mom you are, you are a mom and that is a big responsibility and without a doubt one of life's most challenging roles. However, we are not alone in this venture. WE have OUR heavenly Father. He gave us these children but he also placed us in jobs outside the home (for some of us). We asks us to do BOTH and then goes with us into those tasks. Parenting and workplace alike, HE is there. What a treasure! What a resource of strength! I hope that as you read and find yourself in one of these categories that you remind yourself that HE just asks us to do our best. You can do it mom!!!